Body Image, Self-Esteem, and Confidence

Body Image, Self-Esteem, and Confidence

Sometimes I see or hear something that affects my thinking and understanding; in the moment the significant import or deeper realization of that input does not dawn on me, but then perhaps 12 to 24 hours later an idea or assessment which I feel as right crystallizes around that thought or impression. Some call that an epiphany, I am not sure that that word properly sums up the experiences that I am describing when coming to deeper conclusions. Nevertheless, this is an impression that hits home to me at age 49, and I am glad to be around to think through it (think it through), and now share it with you, at whatever age you may be.

My dad just turned 83—during a nice phone conversation a couple days ago he remarked how we was glad to still an intellect at that relatively advanced age. I am turning 50 this year and I am glad that I can still have revelations and insights into myself and others at this seminal later age. This one is about body image and self-concept, so buckle up.

Body Shame or Physical Embarrassment or Disappointment

Growing up I remember a few things that stuck in my mind about body image, fitness, and shame or pride about one's body. I wish to share a couple of pretty early experiences. 

I had two small friends over to my home, Toby and Dan, and even though we were all either 5 or 6 years old, both of these young boys knew that they carried more weight than other children. I knew I was relatively "normal" sized, and in addition I believed I was a faster runner than other kids my age, and that meant a lot to me. Strength at such a young age is harder to measure, but speed was a definite measuring stick to quantify and compare. So was body size, for these two, or let's call it the "obesity index".

Toby and Danny got into an argument as to who was fatter, and I distinctly remember in the only bathroom in my house they confronted me wanting me to judge and decree who indeed, between the two, was "fatter". This put me in a bind. Toby was more chubby in the face and the whole body, whereas Danny carried a lot of extra weight in his torso and his belly.  They were both little tanks in their own way! They were proportionately different but both above standard body fat levels. I think I gave them my best assessment saying," You are both fat in different ways!" I believe I might have replied. Well, the three of us got over that hurdle and I don't think that they thought less of me, and we went on to play with sticks or rocks or Star Wars cards or whatever we thought was entertaining at that precocious age. The moment has stayed with me.

Another memory from the same time period was at church with a boy a year younger than me named Tony. Despite my more advanced age, Tony was possibly the same height but had to outweigh me by 50 or 80 pounds. He was obese, safe to say, and in comparison to the aforementioned chums in the previous story he was a heavy duty all purpose tank to their lighter versions. I am pretty sure that Tony was used to be made fun of for his excessive weight and body size, so I guess he may have felt that I issued him an insult somehow when this memory occurred, because one day after church in the front walkway where many of us would hang out waiting to go home, Tony suddenly rushed at me like a bull and knocked me flying pretty far. I think I wound up careening into the softer lawn, thankfully, I was unhurt except for maybe my psyche. Tony never told me why he did that and I never truly knew why it happened. We became better and closer friends years later through Boy Scouts and early morning seminary, but if I ever did broach the subject I do not think he could retrieve it. I could, and I still do.

From these vignettes or early life impressions, I think I, as they, were collecting ideas of body image and self esteem, both negative and positive. Had I known Tony was going to bull rush me, I could have avoided him with my speed, which I prized. Later in elementary school, by third and fourth grades and beyond, strength also became a measure of the value of my body and my self-concept. I was fast, strong, kids respected me for being athletic and nice, but not to cross me, and, when I watched movies like Rocky or Chariots of Fire, I fancied myself as among the fast and strong like the character heroes on the silver screen. Not Superman or Luke Skywalker, with supernatural forces, but more like Indiana Jones or Han Solo, who had iron will and grit.

Things changed about my self concept in middle school, however, and with my multi-generation long lens two decades into the twenty first century later, I now relate that my summer after my sixth grade year, or possibly in the months leading up to it, my self-esteem and my body along with it changed, safe to say for the worst. My parents split up about halfway through my first year of Binford Middle School in sixth grade, and the mental toll from that blow and the consequent malaise affected my energy and activity. I lost a lot of the passion for trying as hard, running as hard, sweating and playing as hard. I believe that I internalized some of the intra-social issues about me and I got lazier, more apathetic, and my body reflected the inaction or lethargy. I got slower, weaker, I added weight, which was more fat than muscle, particularly in the "love handles" department. I was also going through puberty, so perhaps even more than the psychological turmoil that I feel changed me in my self-concept based on my family situation, my bodily chemicals were changing me internally and externally. I lost some of the self-identity that I had developed as smaller child.

It happens. Life happens. But allow me to bring this back to the present, and likely explains parts of me in between and perhaps well into the future.

A couple people that may have made it worse, in retrospect, were some close family or friends that would chide me for hefting some extra weight, referring to me as "chubby bunny" or other somewhat hurtful terms. I would shrug it off and not lash back in anger, but I think I would internalize the mockery and joking

Self-Concept and Confidence Later in Life

After playing basketball recently I observed two of my colleagues remove their shirts, and I noted that both had bodily fat that to me would make me feel uncomfortable displaying to others.  I looked at myself in the mirror later, and I am not where I would prefer to be, I am about 13 pounds more than the professional standard that is affixed to me due to the military. Until I am at that weight, which is 208 pounds, I am not comfortable being shirtless around others or even myself. 

There have been times in my adult years when I carried too much weight to be happy with myself, and in the last 12 years, or even 14 years, but reaching back 16 years, if I address it accurately, according to U.S. Army standards I have been over the standard of weight for someone my height. I have made weight with the Army and passed numerous times, and I also failed weight times and then had to pass the secondary taping procedure, but regrettably failed during a course which curtailed my career plans considerably. That was a surprise and a big disappointment, and that at age 47.

Something else about these basketball colleagues. I have known them for over 10 years, maybe longer. Both are probably a little taller than me, one is my age and the other a little older, the former has been a lot more fit and muscular in his P90X days, and the other has been considerably heavier than he is now. Both have better basketball skills than me, so as we have aged from our late thirties to now 50s, more or less, their developed skills stand the test of time on the court better than mine, whereas as a younger guy I was more dependent on my athletic prowess and agility to play better on the court. Their skills have aged better. Granted, they both have played and learned the game more than me, so regardless of agility and age, they usually get the best of me and it is a fun struggle to play with or against them. I enjoy the challenge, even when coming up short. Within these two mates, in comparison to me, they have self-confidence in their game that I usually do not possess, and this may carry over to how they view their bodies as well. Perhaps one could presume that most men, skinny or not, are not self conscious of their shirtless torso, so maybe that makes me an outlier as a guy, true. Maybe there are some deeper seated insecurities that I have, but between some of the historical negative feelings I have had about myself or that I have projected affects me to my own detriment. I can be hyper critical of my game and body both, for some of those stated reasons.

So, at age almost 50, I recognize that I have had the time of my teenage years when I felt uncomfortable with my body image and abilities in much of that formative period, at times being critiqued by a few, which affected my self confidence then, in contrast to how I had imagined myself before. I had my mother who battled with weight issues most of her adult life, being a part of Weight Watchers at times, and not being too overweight compared to many others, but knowing that there were a few people critical of her, and to some degree me. Then, having a period of the late twenties going up to my highest weight ever (maybe 240), it being a time of some less than great feelings about myself, also trying to find my professional path. Later when married, in the younger thirties, I looked into the military starting in California, where a recruiter discussed the weight necessary to lose to be part of the Army ( I was about 217 and needed to get down to 200 or so at that age), and then actually joining the Army and being on the hook as accountable for weigh-ins, where for the last 13 years at times it has been an issue to have the right poundage at weigh in and then trying to pass tape for the right body fat index, including the time in South Carolina when I was dis-enrolled from a course and not advanced in rank because I was five pounds over and painfully realized that my taping at that weight was not passable for body fat index. I had passed tape at five pounds over before in previous weigh ins with my unit in prior years, so I did not know it was an issue till in the three week course where I felt I had reached the right required stats.

I also had a period in my mid-twenties when I was trying to see about a modeling and acting agency, some of the stated goals was to have abs developed, which was never a real doable result for me, even when I lost about 40 pounds in Army basic training and within a few months gaining back to the more realistic 200. There have been a few other times or places when my self-concept may have been affected by my body and my confidence with it, including muscle or tone, but overall that is the picture of me that I have had, compared to others and simply compared to myself, which I believe influenced less esteem or confidence requisite to go forward with less inhibition.

Summary or Conclusions

 All these factors or considerations fit into the schema of how I feel about myself as a worker, or at times soldier, athlete, individual of worth, my general value, personal attraction quotient, influencing my self-concept and self-esteem, which ends up affecting my confidence. I am currently motivating myself (I even have a cohort group where we all literally weekly weigh in and post our results toward weight loss, using positive peer pressure to do so) to lose the last 13 pounds to be at the right weight per the Army standards per my height and age. If I am within 3-4 pounds, I can achieve the desired goal pretty well in the last few days of testing.

Over the years I have known probably more women than men who deal with these issues of body image. I had a friend named Darxavia who did her Master's at Indiana University relating to how women try to conform to a body type and put mental or social stresses on themselves in order to achieve those results, even though it is not necessarily helpful or a healthy standard per person. I tried to tell her, this young, fit, woman from Chicago, that I had close family that dealt with some of those pressures, contemplating the women in my family that dealt with a few of these concerns, including those who performed surgeries to get the results from what they wanted for their body shapes. I suppose all these years later I may have been referring to myself as well, without fully knowing it.

Observing how critical I am of my own weight and body image, even this many years later, like when I see buddies removing their shirts as we are about 50 years old, makes me feel that this is an issue that is a part of me. Added to it that the Army expects me to be at a certain weight as well puts real world strains or constraints as to how I feel about myself, and makes me more observant or conscientious about how much I eat, how I eat, how I exercise, and how I am focused on being in proper shape per their uniform standards or not. I will note that even when I am in compliance with the Army height and weight standards I am often not pleased with my physique; I can feel awkward without a shirt, so maybe those feelings are affected by other issues with or within me, perhaps more psychological than physical in nature.

So be it. This far into my life I feel it is healthy to recognize weaknesses or tendencies and doubts that crop up, or are constant, and simply acknowledge and accept that they exist, and keep moving. I know that a lot of our hang ups and insecurities are not important to others, and many people do not see them as we do, obstacles protracted and projected upon ourselves or others. What matters to us, what may seem like a big deal, is nothing to them, but to an individual who suffers hang ups it may make a world of difference.

Some times when I play poorly in basketball and I do not perform as I think that I should in a game, I think: not just that I would have done better at age 30, now 19 years removed, and I am slower and less agile than I was at that age, but I also contemplate: if I weighed 15-20 pounds less now, in that game, I would have done better. I can easily think that I had an extra weight on me holding me back, literally. But in the end, the biggest weight on my shoulders holding me back was really lying in the grey matter between my ears. Sure, a couple of physical issues that I hope to declare with the military may hinder me a bit as well, possibly. Ultimately, the mind and the soul are amazing tools to reflect upon when discussing and figuring out who we are, how we do things, why we do things, and why do we care, or if those things in the end matter or not.

That's all up to me and you. And sometimes the U.S. army.