Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Imprisoned by Poor Choices and Vices

Imprisoned by Poor Choices and Vices

 I don't care what color or creed you are: if you make poor choices, you will be shackled and imprisoned, in every way you can imagine. We are none of us perfect, we all make mistakes, but we can only afford to make so many poor choices before we fall into bondage. 

What are the poor choices? 

Acting like drugs and chemicals will not damage you short term, but worse yet, long term. 

Play with nicotine, marijuana, booze, cocaine, heroin, pain killers?

You fool! Poor, poor choice. Welcome to the prison camp of the stupid and maniacs.

Idiots. How many people warned you of these traps?? How many times have we/they/I/she/he said so?

HOW MANY? If not thousands, hundreds. Why swim with crocodiles and serpents? You have already and not been overwhelmed? Well, if so, you've been lucky and not been devoured whole, only being bitten here and there? The chains are coming.

Stop. It. Now.

Other bad choices?

Sexual contact with people that you are not legally contracted with.

Traditional marriage? Yes, of course. This is the way to freedom and security, stability and happiness.

If you are having casual sex, you are inviting in a world of insecurity and self-loathing. Is this the first time you have heard this counsel? Come, now. Grow. Up. Casual sex or informal carnal relations damages you and others, but it locks you up in bondage, regret, and filth.

Casual sex. Sounds easy, huh? 

Get a grip, wake up stupid generation of scurvy sailors!

Then, when it comes to other mistakes that we fall prey to, there are the custody battles over the offspring of our our failed marriages... Those break ups involve heartache and pain, and financial gauging of lawyers and worse than that, but some of those choices cannot be avoided, I know.

Other poor choices?

Not eating right.

Not getting enough exercise.

Not working.

Not learning, not getting the proper education.

Not maintaining some modicum of discipline and sacrificing for the benefit of others before yourself, be it your family or company or faith or government... Causes outside of you. You have to be motivated by things outside and beyond just yourself! Get over yourself a bit. I am not saying become a servant to others, but if you are only about YOU, then you have also become endentured to your own ego. Seek for balance, never easy, but worth your time and muscle.

Other bad choices?

Breaking the law. Stealing, robbing, assaulting, flaunting the law with money or cheating taxes.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

I do not care what color, ethnic persuasion, gender, orientation, religious belief or philosophical bent you are or have, how tall you are, how short you are, how fast or slow, how sick or healthy: please stop making poor choices, again and again and again.

We all make poor choices. Fine. We fall and rise up again.

But why do we/you keep going back to the old, stupid ones that you have been making for years????

Sorry if this upsets me, but I care.

I care.

I care that we make terrible choices and reap the consequences.

I care that we can improve and get better, avoiding those poor choices that lead us to vices and shackles and prisons.

Have a great Independence Day this week. 

Enjoy your freedom, do not choose the jails of our minds and flesh.

Choose life, choose freedom.

No more prisons! Break free from the bonds of error. Let's make better choices, now, and every day and beyond. We can mess up, we are not expected to be perfect. But we must progress in wisdom.

Good luck and God bless.
 



Looking for Answers in Chile

Looking for Answers in Chile

Chile is a country of long proportions in the southern hemisphere. Most of the world's people will never go to the southern half of the planet (let alone South America or Chile); they will never witness the Southern Cross in person, with their naked eye... But this is okay, I proclaim, because there are many other sights and stars to see in the world and beyond, and a few of us authors and poets may give those heavenly orbs enough justice and form to fill the appetite and sate the hunger of those that missed the south, to include the lands of Mapuches and Chilote legends of myths. Most Chileans themselves will never make it to that far off island, a large mass of land surrounded by southerly seas where there was enough pre- Colombian history for the original inhabitants to have their own gods and monsters, some of whom passed on to the current Europeanized generations, like us, the chilenos de nacimiento and the forasteros, the gringos and others.

I went there in search of answers, questions not yet posed, looking for people unknown and yet so very familiar, people from quaint places like Mulchen and Santa Juana and Coihueco, and Angol and Huequen and Collipulli and Renaico and Los Sauces and Puren, were quaint enough, the people living peaceably there and there. So many took me in and loved me, and I loved them.

Maurico, Cristian, Maria, Paula, Jimena, Claudia, Jose, Jorge, Eva, Pablo, Juana, Elizabeth, Yanet, Rosa, Jonathan, Guillermo, Hernan, Marcelo, Mattias, Pedro, on and on...

And found some of my answers as a full time church representative and foreigner, in a land of other cultures, familiar yet odd, for me the northern visitor.

I found some answers and keys to knowledge in those multiple seasons living upside down right side up and often sideways, but I forgot my share of all those great and wise things.

But I went back.

Some of those answers came back to me a few short years later, but other questions surged and other mysteries abounded. Literature of Chile, of Peru or Colombia and Central America and the Caribbean and of course Argentina, opened up a new universe of questions and answers for me. These phantoms and at times warm kindly spirits now followed me to the United States, or Mexico, or Canada or even in sundry parts of Asia, years and decades later...

And I went back again, even later in life, with a wife and two little girls, and new and old friends that brought me new insights and emotions, pains and joys, exquisite sorrows and epiphanies, again to be forgotten within so many hours and days of re-breathing or re-inhaling the airs of Gringolandia, my native Tierra de los Yanquis, los ee.uu, the Great and Powerful North America, where is the ubiquitous perspective so typically and at times tragically lies.

However, the millions are still there in Chile, and I was among them; I share and shared many of those vistas and smells and vapors and sentiments of love and nostalgia, Chilean hopes and fears large and small, which will lie dormant within me until a word or a sound or an aroma will arouse that thought, that feeling, that idea, that life and soul of the the one that I communed with, when 19, or 20, or 21, or 23, or 34, or 35 years old.

Could I feel those answers again? Could I relive or rekindle the sweet sentiments and answers to all those questions posed and answers received?

Are there more memories and answers in that nation, within its new peoples, the newer foreigners and the traditional old timers alike, the aged and the youth and all in between, the rocks and soils that I traipsed, the Copihue flower and the dusty sidewalks of years gone by?

I know that they are there.

When will those tickets be purchased to alight on the Southern Cross tarmac under the heavens once more? There are a hundred other destinations that beckon me and tempt my passport to be stamped...

I have to look for these answers.

I will continue to search for these ephemeral answers that I know are there, like the bright constellations that so few of us ever see with our own naked, solemn and wondrous eyes.

Blessed are we.

Blessed is querido Chile, and the God that made it so.

Neruda and Mistral? And my professors Gonzalo and Hilda and the others? Eternal gratitude to you and your masterful arts.

Gracias a la vida, canto the singer in Spanish.

Gracias por Chile. Es un grandisimo don de Dios mismo.

Monday, June 29, 2020

Places Alone

Places Alone

I know for myself that there are times that I wish to be around people.

And then there are times that I bask in being by myself. There are certainly times that I feel lonely; I want to have human contact and interaction with others; but, there are certainly those times when I have to be inside my own head, and have or possess my own God-given solitary places and spaces, minutes or hours or even days or lifetimes apart.

As a small child I definitely experienced long periods of time by myself and alone; I learned to enjoy those moments, those periods, those intervals with nature or God or the spirits of the living and dead, past and present and future characters of reality or fiction, imagination, story, fantasy or fancy, from pictures, book, magazines, movies, or simply the stones and sticks, the small life of buggy insects or crawfish from the nearby yards and woods and creeks.

I have learned enough about my own parents to know that they, yes, as social creatures were ones to gather their friends and commune with family or others, but they both had their private and alone times, doing what they enjoyed, whether it was the work in foreign jungles of far off Togo or Sierra Leone or Cambodia or Java, or closer by in the mostly empty apartments or residential houses with their silent basements and lonely attics and freshly dug crawl spaces, running the life giving electricity of the modern age with the ancient earths and soils of the generations of yesterday, from thousands of years ago...

We, my biological fathers and mothers (living and not), my countless sisters and brothers globally, from shore to shore and across a thousand other island beaches and littorals, wander in their own circles of solitude with the greater inner and expansive universe of everything and nothing, talking to Siddhartha Gautama and seeing and immersing oneself in nirvana, achieving the zen of Phil Jackson and Michael Jordan and his buddy Gus and Jack Kerouac and Paul Bowles, and maybe even Salmon Rushdie and millions of the Trekkies trekking and countless before and after them throughout our endless galaxies...

And on the surface, in many respects, we are alone in the mountains or the hills or the lonely, isolated river paths going back and forth from the freshly cloudless or cloud-filled skies surrounding us.

Alone, self-possessed and searching, like Ahab after that monstrous fish of the ever darkening deep?

Aye, my lady, that is where I am.

And as alone as I go, I am with you all the while.

Thanks for being there with me: mother, father, sister, brother, friend. 

God and even the Devil cared to pursue me, and I merely kept to myself and enjoyed the whole thing, with or without words or meaning, with or without the sounds of music or formless opacity.

Alone, but accompanied by all and everything always.

Friday, June 26, 2020

Lessons Learned in California, part 2

Lessons Learned in California, part 2


1999 -- Highland, San Bernardino, South Gate, Manhattan Beach, Hermoso Beach, Anaheim Hills, Yorba Linda, Corona, Corona del Mar, Redwood City, La Jolla, Rialto, Clovis

I had had enough of merely visiting the state so I moved there. I got a job with the San Bernardino Unified School District, mostly because they were the only ones from the whole state that came to the Indiana University job fair in April as I was sewing up my teaching degree and certificate (1999).

Lessons learned?

I got there in August, with a new roommate. I saw a celebrity my first day there, to live indefinitely with a job and ostensible career path set, when my roomie, Dave, of southern L.A., took me to an Italian restaurant near downtown San Berdu. I would not see celenbrities that often, but it is more likely to see famous people in California than a lot of other places.

2000 -- Ontario, Redwood City, Menlo Park, Yucaipa, Redlands, Long Beach, Newport Beach, Pomona, the High Desert,  Barstow, Palm Springs, San Pedro, Cabo San Lucas, Los Barriles, La Paz (Mexico), Crestline, Lake Arrowhead, Running Springs, Glendora, Hemet ...

I met the girl, lady, woman of my dreams. All wrapped into one.

Lessons learned? You only need one. And, it helps when you find (and marry) the best.

2001 -- San Ysidro, Chula Vista, Ensenada (Mexico), Culver City, Santa Monica, Bel Air, West Hollywood, San Fernando Valley, Carson, Point Magoo, Rancho Palos Verdes

UCLA accepted me, we got into graduate housing in Los Angeles, we had a baby (not all in that order) and the rest has been some history... And some political science, economics, geography, Portuguese, some business, some urban studies, and some other things in two years there.

Lessons, lesson, lesson, papers, and many lectures...

2002 -- Hollywood, Hollywood Hills, East Los Angeles, South Central L.A., Venice Beach,  ,

This was a fun, nice full year of living in West Los Angeles. The best weather that I have ever lived in, trying to obtain the degree that would propel my and my family's life ahead, to fill my head with a knowledge or skills that would put me in pursuit of my dreams, which in those months and years was to be a diplomat for the United States State Department and try to wage across the planet.

--- Now that I think of it all these years later, we as a nation are sorely lacking in the department or initiative in having "peace makers". I  wanted this, and still do, and unfortunately, I have found myself muted in this endeavor or these noble efforts, and like those of the Black Lives Matter movement of the the pandemic times of 2020, I feel muted and shunted from the chance to be a person who could lift up his voice, our collective voices, as Americans and as humans, concerned citizens of the planet, to wage peace, a pin that my older sister wore back in the 1980s.

I have not been able to do enough of it, to have a bigger voice and say in peace making, and part of that is my fault but I also blame my country, its institutions, the systems of the same old patterns of apathy or destruction that continue to this day.

Hmm. I did not intend to write this, but there it is. More later. ---

Lesson learned? After failing the first of a few foreign service entrance exams in the fall of 2002, an exam that I first took at the USC campus in south-central L.A., with visions of going off to foreign areas of conflict and being an agent of peace, a diplomat that could and would improve the world, here I sit in my nice home den and postulate that I would like to yell and protest that we Americans are so pathetic and apathetic, and inefficient and wrong in implementing peace in the planet. And if anything, this many years later, I realize that the younger me and I good or great aspirations have been way-layed and neglected, but still lingering. I am more the hammer or the axe of the tools of carving in and around the jagged parts of the human race than the life aiding stints or healing balms of my people, the human race.

That was 2002. Los Angeles, a large conglomeration of humanity. And me, a small bit of it. A cog in the great machine and mechanisms of this spinning orb. Learning, growing, but not necessarily achieving what I had wanted, which may be beyond my means...

2003 --- Los Angeles, Ventura County, Century Boulevard, San Felipe (Mexico), Bakersfield, Kings Canyon, Sequoia National Park, Fresno, Yosemite, Irvine

We finished up my degree in the great city, with a title of new promise and hope while we as a nation had entered Iraq in the former Mesopotamia to eliminate a despotic threat to his own people and millions of others in the Middle East, one place where I wished I could assert some of my hopes for change and stability. Saddam Hussein was removed, caught, and tried, but the problems of violence lingered on, far past my 17 years of California in 2010... Till this day, in late June 2020.

Lesson[s] learned? Government agencies have good intentions but many of us small underlings are easily forgotten. I was ready, I went to the interview promised another follow on in a month during the hot summer of 2003, but that did not happen till early 2004. And then I failed/they failed the follow up second round interview. Tales for another day.

2004 --- Fontana, Riverside, Ontario, Lake Elsinore, San Diego, Loma Linda, Grand Terrace, Adelanto, Beaumont, Big Bear, Yucca Valley, Palm Desert, Desert Hot Springs,Lake Arrowhead, Glendora

Living in my my wife's childhood home with her single mom in San Bernardino off of E Street, under the view of Lone Mountain and the Castaways Restaurant, the lone remaining single sister away on her mission in Spain, attending the Spanish Branch at the Waterman Building, teaching day and night classes for the adult school, one in the morning with all my keys of the building at the former Catholic middle school in the southwest part of town, the other at the main building at night. Busy with the members of the burgeoning branch, traveling to and from the homes, conducting and planning the meetings, the activities, participating in parties and weddings and funerals, baptisms and interviews and follow-up visits to the homes of the scattered membership, from Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala, or the couple from Mexico and Colombia, and other places of Latin America...

Lesson learned? Being a branch president is a full time calling.

2005 --- Muscoy, Mormon Rock, Cajon Pass, Verdemont, Colton, Buena Park, Laguna Beach, Aliso Viejo, Mission Viejo, 

My wife surprised me and bought plane tickets that removed us from California and the country a few month into 2005, even distancing us from the whole continent. We went to Chile for an undetermined amount of time. Like a lot of things, it takes a while to truly leave things behind in Cali. We came back after six months and a great experience. We prepared to leave California once again by traveling cross country to Virginia. But that story will be told in part 3 of this three part series.

Lesson learned? Moving on and away is sometimes necessary or inevitable. By compulsion or by choice we move and we grow; we were pulling away from the California roots that we had established together for six years as a young family (yes, Madhya born a year before we flew to Chile), but for me it was a streak of 12 years in this Golden place; all the same, the state was still clinging on to me and us... And there would be five more years to go before breaking the streak, forthcoming in the last installment.

End of part 2, years of the streak 7-12.


Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Racism Defined

 Response to corporate initiatives to fight racism.

Glad to see you are taking initiatives to combat racism. Part of the difficulty of racism is that it can take many shapes and forms. For one, it is the hate or putting down of another race. Secondly, it is believing that one's own race is superior to another race or all other races. Thirdly, it is the belief that one is constrained or limited to one's own race, if they are not mixed, with canard's like the following fallacious tropes: "I am white so I cannot play basketball" or "I am black so I cannot swim".
How I wish we were beyond all three of these definitions of what in the end is ignorance, which is racism. It takes ignorance to hate others based on differences of skin or culture, it takes ignorance to believe one's own ethnic group is superior to others, and it takes ignorance to filter all things mentally and physically through race and ethnic identity, and only identify by the racial characteristic.
When everything becomes "that is a white thing, that is a black thing, that is a Latino thing, that is a Chinese thing, etc.", simply based on racial or ethnic stereotypes, we are indeed limited by our minds and cultures and must overcome the ignorance from which it comes.
I hope your steps and plans help us all overcome the various forms of racism that have existed and continue to persist to the detriment of all of us, of all shades and hues.
The human race.

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Lessons Learned in California, part 1

Lessons Learned in California, part 1

Pretty far into the twentieth century, or at least if you consider 10 years as a reasonable length of time to be considered as far as "long" as a period of time, I realized that I was in the streak of having visited or lived in the Golden State of California 17 years in a row. Sometime in the year 2010, when I was a father of four becoming a father of a fifth child, approaching the end of this realization of the seventeen years of presence on the Left Coast, I made a goal not to go there for 2011, to break the streak. Why? Why did 18 seem like too much? Usually I am all for going, visiting, traveling to places anywhere and everywhere, especially California. But I think that I needed to feel as though there were other places that I was going. And in distinct reflection now, some 10 years later, I perfectly recognize that there are lots of places, even whole regions of the most populated state in the country that I have never been to and I would love to visit and see more of. However, perhaps there are lessons to be derived from the times already spent there.

Here is a memory or experience hopefully associated with a lesson or chunk of knowledge from each of those 17 years.

1993-- San Diego, El Cajon, La Jolla, Tijuana (Mexico), El Toro, Disneyland, Los Angeles.

I was invited to go for my first trip and stay in California, which was to take place after my first semester of BYU-Provo, in the Zion Inter-Mountain West. I jumped at the opportunity to see the Pacific and even though the host was to un-invite many of the young men (and me) originally included to be part of the festivities, I stuck it out. Slightly awkward, but I was determined, especially since I bought the plane tickets before the disinvitation. 

Lesson? Don't get your hopes up too much to ask the girl that you have a crush on during the previous semester to hold your hand on the Magic Mountain ride at the end of the day at Disney World. Sometimes your hopes go crashing like the bumps and jolts of the roller coaster rail cars of said ride, and yes, very much alone sitting next to that girl, who politely said, "No thanks."

Later when telling this story, with slightly more background and context, people ask me,"You asked her to hold your hand? Dude! You just take it!"

Okay, fine. Lesson learned. Anaheim. I was too stubborn and too wimpy all at once. Maybe the word for that is "doofy".

1994 -- La Jolla, San Diego.

California is a very diverse place. My Provo Arabic house roomie was a quarter Persian, a quarter Indian, half Shelley, Idaho and all around sweet guy for inviting me to his family home for Thanksgiving that fall. I appreciated getting a little more SoCal warmth before my first whole winter in snowy northern Utah. I gave him, Shahram (his Farsi name), the advice not to pursue the young lady that was with us on the trip. She was nice, they liked each other "ish", had been seeing each other for a bit up till then, but I wasn't feeling it. He followed my counsel; they went to study abroad in the advanced Arabic program in Jerusalem the following semester for five months; he told me later that next summer when I joined him in the Holy Land that he was glad he took my advice to not pursue her. My pleasure, buddy. 

Lesson? I knows the ladies. Or at least I get things right with other peoples' ladies. Sometimes.

1995 -- Brawley, Mexicali (Mexico), Imperial Valley.

This is a hidden corner gem of the state, with cowboy Latinos and country Hispanics. Yes, that is kind of the same thing. Having grown up in southern Indiana and enjoying living and studying in Spanish-speaking South America, Brawley and the Rodeo Days in early November, compared to the cold Utah Wasatch front was a nice breath of warm, desert air.

Lesson? Sometimes it's cool to be the guy on a road trip with three young college age coeds. No hanky panky, I promise. Platonic friendships are good, and rural parts of California are not what you would think them to be. Think Arizona, or New Mexico, and those would probably be more the vibe of that region along the Mexican border.

1996 --Glendora, Anaheim, Long Beach, Los Angeles, Hollywood. Burbank, San Fernando Valley

Perhaps I did not realize it till writing this, but I visited California twice that year: first with my college friends Jennifer Van Angelenhoven and Nanan, of mainland China, and then later to visit my former girl friend Arlene, from South America, who flew there as an airline attendant.  

Lessons?

1. Chinese people are fun to take to China Town. Or at least my roommate was. The fact that he had a bad sun burn was not quite as fun, but was kind of funny.
2. You can get really lost in L.A. with no map, a lot of rain (which does happen in the winter), and a car that does not have proper defrost on the windows.

1997 -- Davis, San Francisco, Sacramento, Muir Woods, the beach down the hill from the Redwoods

The first time to drive across the width of Nevada! In July. A lot of sunshine. Wow. The car was somewhat crowded, too.
I finally made it to "northern California". This was my sixth time to the state but the first time up north. If you look at a map, the Sacramento Valley and the Bay Area are more located at the center and to the left of the state, but the attitude is all anti-So Cal.

Lesson? 
Hanging out with Jenni Davis and with her best friend Ingrid Davis and the Davis clan in Davis, California can be a fun way to break up your summer. 

1998 -- San Francisco, Tiburon, Rohnert Park, Sonoma, Marin County, Santa Rosa, Laguna Niguel, Orange County, San Joaquin Valley, Vallejo, Oakland

I made it back to the Bay Area, after moving back to the Midwest from Utah; I saw quite a bit more of the the central coastal area, plus we made a side trip to Orange County,  somewhat like that very first visit from Provo back in 1993 when we made a visit to a home in El Toro.

Lesson? 

Mexican-Americans are cool and fun people to hang around. I think that I got a taste for the Latino life in California. I was job prospecting for teacher positions, but I was definitely getting good vibes from the state. There was more of what interested me in California: Spanish, mountains, beaches, single women, temples, churches, colleges, diversity...

Yeah, California or bust. I was the new Grapes of Wrath Guy, or Of Mice and Men guy. Tom Joad. Or maybe George, the wandering laborer. Or maybe one of those good for nuthin' Mexicans in Tortilla Flat.

It was a Steinbeck vibe, for sure. That felt right. California here I come.




Friday, June 19, 2020

Mary, Mary

Mary, Mary

I am just one small part of a large group of people that got to know you, appreciate you, and love you.

Ahhhh... so soon, so early, so young.

We do miss you terribly! And it's only been three days. But for many of us it has been less than 24 hours since we learned about your life prematurely ending. We do trust that your soul, your vibrant spirit is with God, and you are now with your loved ones on the other side of the veil.

All this pandemia has made us more estranged than normal, too.

A few of us, a somewhat large group but smaller in the great scheme of things, who knew you, grieve your passing, Mary. Sister Donnery. We are many friends and loved ones, in some ways, and we range across the globe now, learning of your last days this mid June, thinking and reflecting on the last shared years of our lives and the life that you led and the times that we shared with you.

You died of heart complications at the hospital. Tuesday? June 16? Your brothers came down from New York or New Jersey to help you. They are figuring out your final vestiges and belongings, today Friday, as church members are trying to help and gauge your loss... I have learned about your history with some heart problems from a friend last night who knows medical issues well; now that we know that this is what has cost you your mortal sojourn, thus far half way through the June of the world virus shut down of 2020.

You turned 56 in April, just two pandemic months ago. I last saw you at church on a sunny Sunday in March; you were attending the other ward (congregation) that met a little later than us that warm, pleasant morning. Some have thought that maybe it was easier for you to attend an hour and a half later if you were having health problems? I remember thinking maybe you liked to be with some of the dear friends of the other ward more... Variety is a good thing, no matter what. Having options is nice...

You opted into joining our faith, some 9 years ago. I was trying to remember if you became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2010 or 2011, in the Ashburn Stake of northern Virginia. The Relief Society, the fellowship of sisters, in my Sterling Park Ward confirmed it was 2011 when you joined, in an email sent this morning. Ah, that was a good year. I remember seeing you come to church and engaging with us, but the memories have been blurred by time. However, what has not faded are the wondrous and tender feelings of your friendship, personality, and good character.

In our faith, if I may explain, like many of other religions we take efforts and sometimes pains, we even put ourselves in awkward positions to invite and assist others to "come and see" the goodness of Jesus Christ, His Gospel, His Good News, which means salvation, both spiritual and physical, and as a community we try to be there for you, in this case Mary, or anyone else who shows an interest in believing what we preach and try to live. We believe we are literally and in spirit following the Great Commission of the Savior by doing so. He is our Everything, and paid for all of our sins: how can we not obey His words and follow His example, and shine His light as we can?

Mary lived a couple houses from our home, the one we moved into as a family a year and half before she affiliated with us this in a congregation composed of rather large neighborhoods that covered half of Sterling for many miles by width and length; not only were we brothers and sisters in the faith, at worship and classes and social activities, but we were literally neighbors. My girls would watch her cat by crossing the street when Mary went on trips. My wife and children could visit with you on easy outings. My daughter performed yard work and pruning, of which she has fond memories. Countless full time missionaries, sisters and elders, and the rest of us members would come by and feel welcomed and share with you sweet moments and memories. R. Hay and I helped move a very large hutch from outgoing Sister C. Rands, with a little extra muscle from others, into your dining room, maybe two summers ago. Many people have come and gone and been touched by your spirit, your hospitality, your cheerful demeanor.

In 2011 my church calling was as ward missionary, along with others of my congregation like our ward mission leader D. Price, who lived another seven or eight blocks to the west of us, where we were located at the edge of Sugarland. I am not sure if the full time missionaries tracted into Mary by knocking her door; "tracting" is what we refer to when our young missionaries go wandering or searching, inviting and preaching door to door to find potential converts that would be interested in knowing more of our beliefs, and acting on the faithfully zealous invitations of faith to come to our church, accept the covenants of membership, and integrate into our community of faith and practice. No small thing. It often requires a change of many previous beliefs, habits, practices, schedules or commitments, often trying adaptations of social circles and tastes in all types of possible worldly pleasures like alcohol or tobacco. My own parents made such changes in their lives as adults when 15 to 20 years younger than Mary at the age she was baptized into our church.

And, Mary embraced this faith, our ward, our stake, or group of congregations, she accepted and magnified her callings, loving and serving and welcoming the people, our families, sharing our homes, our leaders, the classes, the parties, the activities and service, and the temple, which is our highest and holiest way of serving, communing with God, sealing ourselves to God and Jesus and one another, as one great throng of Zion and God's children.

I would see Mary at church on Sunday seated near the back as she usually did and I would say, "Hello, neighbor." She always had kind and fun things to share.

She reminded me of my mother, a strong and energetic woman from the northeast United States who moved away from her home region, winding up in her community of love and service, where they thrived. A mover and a force who became one of the Saints of the Latter-days.

Mary, Mary. Sister neighbor. We had good classes, we had good worship services, we had many get-togethers, parties, meals, and special missionary meetings as later you were a ward missionary as I became the ward mission leader. You ended up sharing and teaching classes, leading and loving others in and outside the faith, like you loved and served your beloved Primary youth. 

You were a bright light among us, and we welcomed your glow.

There are other memories, specific and general, that I could recount about Mary Donnery; my mind races and slows to recall so many different conversations, laughs, chores, stories, ideas, foods, visits, inspirations that we poor earthly brother and sister shared in the greater Sugarland neighborhood, the chapel by Sully Elementary, or even the trips to Kensington to the temple of  eternal covenants, the great majestic edifice with the towering spires that point to heaven where we all aspire to climb, to link to our kindred dead and ancestors. We are all one human family, thus we come together to be linked by spiritual bonds of God's priesthoods, going back and forward thousands of years as far as the mind reach. But we are more than material brother and sister Mary, of an earthly chapel and time covenant in the 21st century. We are spiritual siblings, children of an Everlasting parentage.

You chose baptism, entering in to the portal where Christ has promised all of His spiritual children that they have set path on the way to His Father; you chose to be confirmed through the Holy Ghost and by the authority of the priesthood of God, to become one with the Saints, the followers of the Master, the Commander of the Tempests and the Redeemer of All. You chose to be washed and anointed and accept the holiest priesthoods of the temple, you chose to be awakened in the First Resurrection, you chose to submit to God's will and take up the Cross of His Son. You chose to inherit our Heavenly Father's mansions above, to mourn with those that mourn, succor your brothers and sisters, and take joy in the Kingdom of Our Heavenly Family, here and beyond. You suffered the little children to come unto you.

You made it this far, Mary! We congratulate you! Well done, thou good and faithful servant!

The mortal will take on the immortal, as you have now taken this next step to achieve the ultimate state of perfection in God, the Father, and with your Mother in Heaven, with all their Children: you and me and all those who choose to repent of our weaknesses and imperfections, those who you have known and loved, those of our family and kin who proceeded you, many of whom you knew in your youth and have passed on as you aged, those who humbled themselves and accepted God's will, and they that meekly turned to Him. These souls you met on earth in your lifetime. But, so many more await who proceeded you and your parents and grandparents going back into the millennia past the apostles and prophets of Moses and Abraham and Noah and Enoch, back to the first parents, our first family heads, Adam and Eve.

Your bright star, temporarily dimmed in this late spring of 2020, will find its vigor in the next plane of spiritual paths and journeys. You are going where we want to be; we will join you there in due time. Your bright star is with us now ethereally in our hearts and minds forever, but this is only a temporary physical good-bye, Mary, where in this darkened moment your body has lost its luster; for we shall see you and hug you and kiss you again, in the flesh and in its full vigor. We will laugh together, the community of Saints with you and your happy spirit in the times warmly recollected upon this terrestrial plane, yes, but we will again smile and rejoice one with another once more at Jesus' feet, in the grandiose, awesome, unending and infinite celestial realm. There is no end to being, there is no end to life.

Till we meet again, Mary. Till we meet at Jesus' feet.

Like Him, the Lowliest and Greatest of them All, you loved the children. You put your love and passion into serving God; He counts and exalts those that Love Him and His Son; He has promised you eternal life and glory.

Well done!

Thank you for your cheeriness and ebullient spirit and marvelous will and grace.

Thank you so much for letting us be part of you, and you being part of us.

You have helped make us whole, as God has intended it. Your glowing shine has brightened us forever.

I look forward to seeing you in that favorite row at the back of church, sooner than any of us can imagine. There are many more living, us survivors, who look back at you in Virginia, in Maryland, from New York, in New Mexico, or  from Utah, or California, and dozens of other points of the map; they think of you now, and they ponder on into the future and hope and long for that bright, brilliant day of endless sunshine where we shall be together once more.

Jesus had his everlasting word for you, recorded so simply and eloquently in the holy scriptures:

"Mary."

You are His and He is yours; thanks to His Plan we will be together again, beyond the infinite heavens and sun basked or storm darkened skies. In light or dark times, your welfare is secure.

Thank you, Mary. You have given your all and we forever love you for it.



Monday, June 15, 2020

Promises of Salvation and Destruction: Peter declares prophecy to know

Promises of Salvation and Destruction

Peter declares prophecy to know- learn it at our own discretion and care

I am half a century old, more or less! In China I am certainly fifty, according to their method of counting. I am still four months from that mark here in the West. In my life I have seen and I have experienced some things. I believe and trust in many things that I have accessed and acquired over my lifetime, some of which can seem outlandish and non-rational to many so called rational thinkers. I understand that. I have rational beliefs, like most people, but I also have some beliefs that the majority of mankind does not share, and makes me unique. Some of those beliefs are encapsulated in the organization of which I am a member, and some are my own. I am a Christian, and I believe in the truthes of Jesus and His holy anointed and chosen of the Old and New Testaments.

English is the lingua franca of my land and much of the world; I wish to share some of the King James version of mentions of promise and promises of the Holy Bible and other Holy Writ.

Find the word twice below in the highlighted purple, and place it in its proper context. Do we know what this means? I challenge you and me to discover the answers.

JST, 2 Peter 3:3–13. Compare 2 Peter 3:3–13

In the last days, many people will deny the Lord Jesus Christ. When He comes, many natural calamities will happen. If we endure in righteousness, we will receive a new earth.

3 Knowing this first, that in the last days there shall come scoffers, walking after their own lusts.
4 Denying the Lord Jesus Christ, and saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things must continue as they are, and have continued as they are from the beginning of the creation.
5 For this they willingly are ignorant of, that of old the heavens, and the earth standing in the water and out of the water, were created by the word of God;
6 And by the word of God, the world that then was, being overflowed with water perished;
7 But the heavens, and the earth which are now, are kept in store by the same word, reserved unto fire against the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men.
8 But concerning the coming of the Lord, beloved, I would not have you ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.
9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise and coming, as some men count slackness; but long-suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in the which the heavens shall shake, and the earth also shall tremble, and the mountains shall melt, and pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall be filled with fervent heat; the earth also shall be filled, and the corruptible works which are therein shall be burned up.
11 If then all these things shall be destroyed, what manner of persons ought ye to be in holy conduct and godliness,
12 Looking unto, and preparing for the day of the coming of the Lord wherein the corruptible things of the heavens being on fire, shall be dissolved, and the mountains shall melt with fervent heat?
13 Nevertheless, if we shall endure, we shall be kept according to his promise. And we look for a new heavens, and a new earth wherein dwelleth righteousness.

What is this promise of which there is prominent mention?

We must explore and research further...

Ahhh! James Horner! We Lost You!

Ahhh! James Horner! We Lost You!

I inadvertently found you and your music due to more advanced technology, and I realize that you died at age 61, in 2015, June 22, flying a plane.

I see your scores of film music going back to the late 1970s, and I realize you have been there, your works and inspirational sounds, since I was little, continuing into my later adulthood. 

Thank you. You are missed, but you shared so much.

Some accuse you of borrowing (i.e. stealing) others' work and all, but all artists do that, in my opinion. All art inspires others. How can we not use what we hear, feel, and know?

A copied compilation of your movie scores (https://www.last.fm/music/James+Horner/+wiki):

Horner's first score for a feature film was Up from the Depths (1979), a joint effort with composer Russell O'Malley. Spending the early parts of his career scoring low-budget horror and science fiction films, he eventually formed a working relationship with director and producer Roger Corman, and would go on to compose the score for Corman's Battle Beyond the Stars; parts of this score would be re-used in many Corman productions to come.
His first major film score was The Lady in Red (1979), garnering attention from Hollywood. With the score for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, established Horner as a mainstream composer. Throughout the 1980s, Horner composed scores for high-profile films such as Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Cocoon and Aliens, the latter garnering Horner's first nomination for an Academy Award; Horner has been nominated nine times since.
Throughout the late 80s and early 90s, Horner composed scores for children's films (particularly those produced by Amblin Entertainment), amongst which were An American Tail (1986), for which he was nominated for a Grammy Award (the song "Somewhere Out There" won the Grammy for Best Original Song) as well as an Academy Award; The Land Before Time (1988), and We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story (1993).
1995 saw Horner produce no fewer than six scores, including his commercially successful and critically-acclaimed works for Braveheart and Apollo 13, both of which earned him Academy Award nominations. Horner's greatest financial and critical success would come in 1997, with the score to the motion picture, Titanic, which was greatly influenced by the music of Clannad. The album became the best-selling primarily orchestral soundtrack in history, selling over 27 million copies worldwide. The score would later win Academy Awards for Best Original Dramatic Score and Best Original Song ("My Heart Will Go On", performed by Celine Dion), as well as Golden Globe Awards for the same two categories.
In the 2000s, Horner received Academy Award nominations for A Beautiful Mind (2001), and House of Sand and Fog (2003). In 2009, Horner was nominated for every major award for the score of Avatar, but ultimately, all were lost to Michael Giacchino's Up, Horner has cited the composition for said score as the single most difficult artistic challenge of his career, requiring two years of devotion to this sole project. Avatar has since surpassed Titanic, also a James Cameron-Horner collaboration, as the highest-grossing film of all time.
Subsequent to the worldwide success gained from Titanic, Horner has preferred to be involved with smaller projects which has enabled him to develop a quieter, more minimal style of music, examples of which can be heard in independent films such as Iris, The Chumscrubber, Apocalypto, The Life Before Her Eyes, and the upcoming 2011 film The Song of Names.

He composed many great, grand, memorable, touching, inspirational, titillating, thrilling, awe inspiring, and moving times of my life through film.

Thanks for contributing to my conscious and sub-conscious. 

I may have noted your passing then (perhaps in my blog? I will check...), but I realize today that you gave us a great touch of life and art and magic while you were here.

Sunday, June 14, 2020

Body Image, Self-Esteem, and Confidence

Body Image, Self-Esteem, and Confidence

Sometimes I see or hear something that affects my thinking and understanding; in the moment the significant import or deeper realization of that input does not dawn on me, but then perhaps 12 to 24 hours later an idea or assessment which I feel as right crystallizes around that thought or impression. Some call that an epiphany, I am not sure that that word properly sums up the experiences that I am describing when coming to deeper conclusions. Nevertheless, this is an impression that hits home to me at age 49, and I am glad to be around to think through it (think it through), and now share it with you, at whatever age you may be.

My dad just turned 83during a nice phone conversation a couple days ago he remarked how we was glad to still an intellect at that relatively advanced age. I am turning 50 this year and I am glad that I can still have revelations and insights into myself and others at this seminal later age. This one is about body image and self-concept, so buckle up.

Body Shame or Physical Embarrassment or Disappointment

Growing up I remember a few things that stuck in my mind about body image, fitness, and shame or pride about one's body. I wish to share a couple of pretty early experiences. 

I had two small friends over to my home, Toby and Dan, and even though we were all either 5 or 6 years old, both of these young boys knew that they carried more weight than other children. I knew I was relatively "normal" sized, and in addition I believed I was a faster runner than other kids my age, and that meant a lot to me. Strength at such a young age is harder to measure, but speed was a definite measuring stick to quantify and compare. So was body size, for these two, or let's call it the "obesity index".

Toby and Danny got into an argument as to who was fatter, and I distinctly remember in the only bathroom in my house they confronted me wanting me to judge and decree who indeed, between the two, was "fatter". This put me in a bind. Toby was more chubby in the face and the whole body, whereas Danny carried a lot of extra weight in his torso and his belly.  They were both little tanks in their own way! They were proportionately different but both above standard body fat levels. I think I gave them my best assessment saying," You are both fat in different ways!" I believe I might have replied. Well, the three of us got over that hurdle and I don't think that they thought less of me, and we went on to play with sticks or rocks or Star Wars cards or whatever we thought was entertaining at that precocious age. The moment has stayed with me.

Another memory from the same time period was at church with a boy a year younger than me named Tony. Despite my more advanced age, Tony was possibly the same height but had to outweigh me by 50 or 80 pounds. He was obese, safe to say, and in comparison to the aforementioned chums in the previous story he was a heavy duty all purpose tank to their lighter versions. I am pretty sure that Tony was used to be made fun of for his excessive weight and body size, so I guess he may have felt that I issued him an insult somehow when this memory occurred, because one day after church in the front walkway where many of us would hang out waiting to go home, Tony suddenly rushed at me like a bull and knocked me flying pretty far. I think I wound up careening into the softer lawn, thankfully, I was unhurt except for maybe my psyche. Tony never told me why he did that and I never truly knew why it happened. We became better and closer friends years later through Boy Scouts and early morning seminary, but if I ever did broach the subject I do not think he could retrieve it. I could, and I still do.

From these vignettes or early life impressions, I think I, as they, were collecting ideas of body image and self esteem, both negative and positive. Had I known Tony was going to bull rush me, I could have avoided him with my speed, which I prized. Later in elementary school, by third and fourth grades and beyond, strength also became a measure of the value of my body and my self-concept. I was fast, strong, kids respected me for being athletic and nice, but not to cross me, and, when I watched movies like Rocky or Chariots of Fire, I fancied myself as among the fast and strong like the character heroes on the silver screen. Not Superman or Luke Skywalker, with supernatural forces, but more like Indiana Jones or Han Solo, who had iron will and grit.

Things changed about my self concept in middle school, however, and with my multi-generation long lens two decades into the twenty first century later, I now relate that my summer after my sixth grade year, or possibly in the months leading up to it, my self-esteem and my body along with it changed, safe to say for the worst. My parents split up about halfway through my first year of Binford Middle School in sixth grade, and the mental toll from that blow and the consequent malaise affected my energy and activity. I lost a lot of the passion for trying as hard, running as hard, sweating and playing as hard. I believe that I internalized some of the intra-social issues about me and I got lazier, more apathetic, and my body reflected the inaction or lethargy. I got slower, weaker, I added weight, which was more fat than muscle, particularly in the "love handles" department. I was also going through puberty, so perhaps even more than the psychological turmoil that I feel changed me in my self-concept based on my family situation, my bodily chemicals were changing me internally and externally. I lost some of the self-identity that I had developed as smaller child.

It happens. Life happens. But allow me to bring this back to the present, and likely explains parts of me in between and perhaps well into the future.

A couple people that may have made it worse, in retrospect, were some close family or friends that would chide me for hefting some extra weight, referring to me as "chubby bunny" or other somewhat hurtful terms. I would shrug it off and not lash back in anger, but I think I would internalize the mockery and joking

Self-Concept and Confidence Later in Life

After playing basketball recently I observed two of my colleagues remove their shirts, and I noted that both had bodily fat that to me would make me feel uncomfortable displaying to others.  I looked at myself in the mirror later, and I am not where I would prefer to be, I am about 13 pounds more than the professional standard that is affixed to me due to the military. Until I am at that weight, which is 208 pounds, I am not comfortable being shirtless around others or even myself. 

There have been times in my adult years when I carried too much weight to be happy with myself, and in the last 12 years, or even 14 years, but reaching back 16 years, if I address it accurately, according to U.S. Army standards I have been over the standard of weight for someone my height. I have made weight with the Army and passed numerous times, and I also failed weight times and then had to pass the secondary taping procedure, but regrettably failed during a course which curtailed my career plans considerably. That was a surprise and a big disappointment, and that at age 47.

Something else about these basketball colleagues. I have known them for over 10 years, maybe longer. Both are probably a little taller than me, one is my age and the other a little older, the former has been a lot more fit and muscular in his P90X days, and the other has been considerably heavier than he is now. Both have better basketball skills than me, so as we have aged from our late thirties to now 50s, more or less, their developed skills stand the test of time on the court better than mine, whereas as a younger guy I was more dependent on my athletic prowess and agility to play better on the court. Their skills have aged better. Granted, they both have played and learned the game more than me, so regardless of agility and age, they usually get the best of me and it is a fun struggle to play with or against them. I enjoy the challenge, even when coming up short. Within these two mates, in comparison to me, they have self-confidence in their game that I usually do not possess, and this may carry over to how they view their bodies as well. Perhaps one could presume that most men, skinny or not, are not self conscious of their shirtless torso, so maybe that makes me an outlier as a guy, true. Maybe there are some deeper seated insecurities that I have, but between some of the historical negative feelings I have had about myself or that I have projected affects me to my own detriment. I can be hyper critical of my game and body both, for some of those stated reasons.

So, at age almost 50, I recognize that I have had the time of my teenage years when I felt uncomfortable with my body image and abilities in much of that formative period, at times being critiqued by a few, which affected my self confidence then, in contrast to how I had imagined myself before. I had my mother who battled with weight issues most of her adult life, being a part of Weight Watchers at times, and not being too overweight compared to many others, but knowing that there were a few people critical of her, and to some degree me. Then, having a period of the late twenties going up to my highest weight ever (maybe 240), it being a time of some less than great feelings about myself, also trying to find my professional path. Later when married, in the younger thirties, I looked into the military starting in California, where a recruiter discussed the weight necessary to lose to be part of the Army ( I was about 217 and needed to get down to 200 or so at that age), and then actually joining the Army and being on the hook as accountable for weigh-ins, where for the last 13 years at times it has been an issue to have the right poundage at weigh in and then trying to pass tape for the right body fat index, including the time in South Carolina when I was dis-enrolled from a course and not advanced in rank because I was five pounds over and painfully realized that my taping at that weight was not passable for body fat index. I had passed tape at five pounds over before in previous weigh ins with my unit in prior years, so I did not know it was an issue till in the three week course where I felt I had reached the right required stats.

I also had a period in my mid-twenties when I was trying to see about a modeling and acting agency, some of the stated goals was to have abs developed, which was never a real doable result for me, even when I lost about 40 pounds in Army basic training and within a few months gaining back to the more realistic 200. There have been a few other times or places when my self-concept may have been affected by my body and my confidence with it, including muscle or tone, but overall that is the picture of me that I have had, compared to others and simply compared to myself, which I believe influenced less esteem or confidence requisite to go forward with less inhibition.

Summary or Conclusions

 All these factors or considerations fit into the schema of how I feel about myself as a worker, or at times soldier, athlete, individual of worth, my general value, personal attraction quotient, influencing my self-concept and self-esteem, which ends up affecting my confidence. I am currently motivating myself (I even have a cohort group where we all literally weekly weigh in and post our results toward weight loss, using positive peer pressure to do so) to lose the last 13 pounds to be at the right weight per the Army standards per my height and age. If I am within 3-4 pounds, I can achieve the desired goal pretty well in the last few days of testing.

Over the years I have known probably more women than men who deal with these issues of body image. I had a friend named Darxavia who did her Master's at Indiana University relating to how women try to conform to a body type and put mental or social stresses on themselves in order to achieve those results, even though it is not necessarily helpful or a healthy standard per person. I tried to tell her, this young, fit, woman from Chicago, that I had close family that dealt with some of those pressures, contemplating the women in my family that dealt with a few of these concerns, including those who performed surgeries to get the results from what they wanted for their body shapes. I suppose all these years later I may have been referring to myself as well, without fully knowing it.

Observing how critical I am of my own weight and body image, even this many years later, like when I see buddies removing their shirts as we are about 50 years old, makes me feel that this is an issue that is a part of me. Added to it that the Army expects me to be at a certain weight as well puts real world strains or constraints as to how I feel about myself, and makes me more observant or conscientious about how much I eat, how I eat, how I exercise, and how I am focused on being in proper shape per their uniform standards or not. I will note that even when I am in compliance with the Army height and weight standards I am often not pleased with my physique; I can feel awkward without a shirt, so maybe those feelings are affected by other issues with or within me, perhaps more psychological than physical in nature.

So be it. This far into my life I feel it is healthy to recognize weaknesses or tendencies and doubts that crop up, or are constant, and simply acknowledge and accept that they exist, and keep moving. I know that a lot of our hang ups and insecurities are not important to others, and many people do not see them as we do, obstacles protracted and projected upon ourselves or others. What matters to us, what may seem like a big deal, is nothing to them, but to an individual who suffers hang ups it may make a world of difference.

Some times when I play poorly in basketball and I do not perform as I think that I should in a game, I think: not just that I would have done better at age 30, now 19 years removed, and I am slower and less agile than I was at that age, but I also contemplate: if I weighed 15-20 pounds less now, in that game, I would have done better. I can easily think that I had an extra weight on me holding me back, literally. But in the end, the biggest weight on my shoulders holding me back was really lying in the grey matter between my ears. Sure, a couple of physical issues that I hope to declare with the military may hinder me a bit as well, possibly. Ultimately, the mind and the soul are amazing tools to reflect upon when discussing and figuring out who we are, how we do things, why we do things, and why do we care, or if those things in the end matter or not.

That's all up to me and you. And sometimes the U.S. army.

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

I apologize to African-Americans for your history that has been erased

I apologize to African-Americans for your history that was erased

Let's rescue it, let's find it.

I want to win it back. We can do this. I believe in me, you, and God. Together we can bring us back to our roots, and heal our souls. As one human family, we can do this. Like all things so challenging and complicated, it will be difficult and require incredible effort, but it will be worth it. We can bring forth, bring back, bring to bear your history and identity that has been tragically missing for the history of the African-American.

Disclaimer: I have my ways, my beliefs that you may not agree with... However, I believe it will happen. What will happen? What is happening? Justice will be found. Healing will be achieved. The things that I claim to know and believe and practice do work, they are true, and these things are worth finding out for yourself. I believe humanity, the human family, is following the long arch of history towards finding out who we truly are, and this is a big thing. In some ways it is everything.

How to start? Explain the problem, acknowledge the issues, and go about rectifying and reclaiming, restoring who we are...

To win back our lives and families and heritages for all of us, black, white, and whatever other hue or heritage, because we are one human family, we are all brothers and sisters. We need each other. We need to know who we are, where we come from. We need to know our parentage and family histories.

"The first will be the last and the last will be the first." Jesus said that almost 2,000 years ago. It is true. The man, this person, according to my beliefs and understanding, the Son of God to so many of us, did not lie. But what does it mean? The first last. Do any of us mere mortals fully fathom what such a statement entails? None of us do entirely, but we know some parts that we can affect...

Death and tragedy may bring new life, new hope, new perspective, new inspiration and motivation -- Say their names: George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Patrick Underwood, died tragically in 2020... And many more dead before them, and there will be more since this gut wrenching week... People victimized while trying to live normally, others while doing their jobs to protect, others while committing crimes or suspected, but nothing worth the death penalty, nothing worth passing up U.S. constitutional due process. Too many of them, these bullied and pilloried victims, disproportionately black. Things do need to change. We can help fix some things. We can all help in different ways, of all races and backgrounds.

In an intense week plus of soul searching, debates, tears, threats, posturing, ugly images of violence, surprises and shocks, groans, old stereotypes perpetuated, mourning, marching, protesting, demonstrating, screams and shouts, flash bangs, pepper sprays, sermons, eulogies, heart wrenching pleas, songs, curses, elegies, masses, arguments, shows of force, and a million and another billion other types of energy and actions across our literally sickened world of humanity, I do believe that God is shining through. He is there. He is shining in our blood, sweat, and toil. He hears your prayers, He always has. From our first earthly parents Adam and Eve, Seth and thousands of others, thorough our earliest progenitors Enoch, Noah, Abraham and Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael, and on and on till us.

Alex Haley had a large part of the solution to which I am referring, through his life and research; I am old enough to have been young enough to be very impacted by his seminal T.V. series "Roots" in the 1970s, when a whole new generation of Americans and perhaps others were captivated by what family history means and and what it implies. It means so very much; in the case of millions of African-Americans, and those of mixed races with them, much of the lines have been blurred, glossed over, buried, forgotten, erased. We know most of the reasons why. Some are obvious, which would include slavery and bondage, discrimination. Some other reasons are not so obvious: lack of interest in the present. Ignorance of priorities and tools available in the present to get the work done. Unawareness of the supreme priority of knowing your people, identifying your tribe's history. We need that knowledge in the present and future, the former history of where we come from.

Allow me to discuss and pontificate about family history: how genealogy it fits into being a holistic human, for all of us to be more complete as people in securing a better knowledge of our individual and collective identity, it gives us meaning, for an American of any rank or privilege, or to a world citizen, beyond the American landscape, and how, in the spirit of Alex Haley and all those who do care and should care about their bloodlines and family backgrounds, it allows to be rich in thought and soul. Many African-Americans do not have this, because they were robbed, they were the subject of the ultimate robbery. Their families! In this endeavor of ancestry knowledge European and others of different ethnic groups of Americans have had advantages, for obvious reasons. Not all the European immigrants (so many white ancestors) came in optimal circumstances where family names were kept in some permanent searchable, stored, or preserved format for future reference of those generations. Family history data can be hard to come by for people of all races, persons of all backgrounds.

Finding the clues, details, and data of our familial past will help heal us, resulting in more prosperity for all. It will help us mentally, spiritually, emotionally, even physically. As recognized in June of 2020, African-Americans need this, and the opportunities and know-how is there.

Does this make a difference in overall health and contentment? I would argue that yes, it helps many individuals feel an intrinsic satisfaction to their consciousness and soul. Knowing who we come from and who we were before our birth is a source of comfort, strength. The opposite  can leave a blank awareness, it ultimately is frustrating and  Something that the majority of Americans have access to, while plenty of people since the revolution of family research and genealogy in the 1970s, again Haley being a part of the zeitgeist of family identity, plus even more records available through newer technologies like computers and microfiche and soon enough the Internet and DNA technologies.

Which brings us back to African-Americans. This many days into June of 2020 (this has taken me a few days to compose, the first week or so of this incredibly historic and momentous month), the ever swirling and ubiquitous theme is that not only do Black Lives Matter, which is an indictment of police brutality against past and current law enforcement and U.S. brands of justice, but it is the idea of the problems of systemic, structural racism in the United States, or even white supremacy in the land of the free since the beginning of the cultures now constituted in the United States and its colonies, dating back to the first African slaves in 1619.

Also, let me reiterate, we are focusing on the United States as a type of social experiment, and from it the rest of the New World, the Western Hemisphere, where many other countries newly amalgamated and created the various Hispanic and Creole cultures, as well as the societies where black slavery was employed, particularly in the Caribbean and Brazil. And whites and blacks, as we are mixes of the nations of Europe and Africa, and now Latin America and East and South Asia.

Whole histories and family lines were abolished for African-American slaves, brutally and by heartless forces, of this there is no denying. This is not to say that European and other populations have not had their awful hardships over the centuries, that native Americans, Anglo-Saxons, Irish, Italians, Germans, Slavs, Arabs, Jewish, and later Hispanics and Asians did not have their terrible trials and parts of their histories erased. But none have had it harder than the former slaves.

All the above mentioned ethnic groups and races can trace their history back through tribal names from regions or villages, and get a decent sense of who they are as kin, as having cultural context, a literal place of origin and a place of self. Not so much the African-American. Pointing to a general "Africa" is not enough. It needs to be more specific. This is where research and family history identification becomes key. This is where I and my faith will combine with the academic cultural historians and the rest of us common folk need to come together and figure out what we need to retrieve: specific kin, clan, tribal, and cultural knowledge. We all need to know this better to be whole.

In the further comparison with other populations, let us think about native Americans, who despite some of the worst waves of genocide, population decimation, poverty, and till this day are normally culturally embattled, they at least mostly have a good sense of who they are, where they are from and what their particular heritage means. African-Americans, not so much. A mostly white person with some Cherokee heritage can take some knowledge of who that part of him is.  A white or brown or mostly black person, or Asian or whoever, (think of the epitome of the diversity example Tiger Woods) has parts of him that are unknown, and many of this phenomenon occurs in all of us, be we white, Asian, Latino or Arab. Most of us do not know where all our fourth or fifth generation ancestors really come from. 23andMe, AncestryDNA, and other gene mapping mechanisms show us mysteries that we never knew were a thing, and have changed quite a few peoples' sense of their own racial or human composition, it can change perceptions of who we are in the present by knowing where we came from genetically in the past.

We, (I am speaking for all Americans, as first I am before Canadian or Mexican or Haitian or Dominican) need to map out better who and what tribes we are, where we are from and who we are genetically. The blood in our veins and hearts, literally, will become mapped out in our individual psyches, which is important for mental and spiritual health. People need to know if they come from a land and culture that will further inform them of how their genes and past history categorize and form them. Not all people will immediately latch on to this newfound knowledge of their heritage, or not everyone will directly benefit from knowing of these older world origins. However, I strongly believe it is necessary and will help the entire human family to discover our human origins. In particular, African-Americans will fill gaps that Alex Haley and thousands of others have had the grand vision of for many generations.

I will share an example of my own personal identity and knowledge, things affecting my self concept. This has to do with learning of my genetic make up in my early forties. Growing up I learned that my own father's family heritage is a bit complicated when it comes to his parents and his/our last name, but I knew that we were mostly English, Irish and some Scottish and possibly some French ancestors, who came to the New World and lived in the Canadian Maritime provinces, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, before moving to New England, and the Boston area. They were generally white, or Anglo-Saxon. On my mom's side we had a lot of Irish and German; as far as I knew the German part was 1/4 of me, 25 percent.

When I found myself working in a German dominated compound overseas for many months, every day collaborating with, speaking to, listening to, eating with, and sharing with Germans, I learned a few more things about them and my German heritage. For one, as of 2012 the United States was about a quarter genetically German, as was I.  I would tell my German colleagues and friends that I was typically American in that sense. Perhaps what I did not share with them was that within the German line of my maternal grandmother there was perhaps some Gypsy blood, which further complicates the genome map of my lineage. So, interestingly, my Eisenhaur European heritage may not be be so Aryan or Anglo as some might think at first blush. On a personal side note, my mother lived in West Africa as a nurse, and she would always joke that we shared sub-Saharan African blood. I think a little bit of the culture from those areas entered her conscious, or sub-conscious. And this I find good.

After weeks of learning more about German culture and language and idiosyncrasies, I asked my mom back in Indiana what part of Germany my grandmother's people were from. They were from Wilhemsfeld, in the state of Swabia, or Schwabe. I came to find out from my German peers that this state was historically agricultural and poor, and when someone was a Swabian, they were considered a moocher, or in effect a poor beggar. That became a go to joke for me trying to endear myself with the good people of Deutschland. I got some good laughs; it seemed to connect me to them, and in essence connect me to myself more, to my own identity, yet as a white man in his young forties. I am not just white, I have family histories from Germany, England, Ireland, Scotland, and France. And maybe more? "White" does not do me justice. "Black" does not do the African-American justice.

Speaking of "white", my dad learned in that same time while I was away with all these Europeans (Germans and quite a few others) that his biological grandmother was full blooded First Nation, or native American, from the Micmac tribe! This news changed how I thought of myself, for sure. As a child I loved learning about native Americans, sometimes I strongly identified with them, as I learned so much of their tragic histories I would very much empathize and sympathize with them. Here I was turned 42 years-old and finding out from my 76 year-old father that I was 1/16 native American? This new revelation filled my conscience with new ideas, inspirations, consolations, all about me, yes, but also how would that information connect me to others, the ones living now and all the ones in the past? My oldest daughter at the time was 11 years old. Based on this new identity knowledge she thought it would be great to go to the Micmac conferences or reunions in Canada. I thought this sounded really great, myself.

Unfortunately, through some genetic testing (and believing in its accuracy of results) and perhaps a couple other sources, my father figured that the nature of his maternal grandmother was not 100 percent Micmac, therefore he was not 1/8 first nation, nor I 1/16 native American, nor my daughter 1/32 of the Micmac peoples. Our history is again perceived to be as profoundly European again, even with a possibility of my mother's gypsy connection. So it goes, we find out things about ourselves over time, and our self-perceptions, self-concepts, self-esteem, and self-awareness evolves and changes, and hopefully progresses.

This is the spirit of Black Lives Matter, and so much of the other social and economic justice that we are in need of, right? We find out who we have been, and it enriches our present wholeness and wellness. Some of us are part black, part white, part native, part Latino (which within itself is a mixed bag of heritage, usually). We need to find out who we are, or at least, as my stories about myself about Germany and Micmac intimate, who we might be.

I am not suggesting this family history awareness is the main thing to get things changed for the sake of people of color in the United States and elsewhere to fix all our problems, but what I am very strongly messaging is there are spiritual and psychological aspects to ourselves that need improving, healing, recovering, restoring, or simply establishing for the first time. These efforts and results will have a salubrious and positive effect on so many. The time has come to restore what was tragically and painfully lost. Our identity as people.

The Outlier Historians and Griots; to the Unknown Reaches of Humanity

Let's talk about the outlier family historians who are of European or Asian descent, and let's discuss the continent of Africa. Alex Haley was one of the pioneers of African and African-American history, but there is much more to be done. I believe some of the answers lie there.

I have met men and women of all backgrounds who become highly invested in their own family histories, but they are usually outliers from the rest of us. I have known at least two or three Caucasian men who have strong connections to their roots and tribes or villages in the United Kingdom or Ireland. They know things about the land and origins of their parents, or grandparents, or way beyond them back into the centuries. They have gone back and either visited or lived with some of the locals of their people; they are both intellectually and spiritually, or we might say sociologically enhanced by this knowledge, which is intimate and powerful hard to replace.

There are many Anglo-Saxons, Mediterranean, Slavic, South and East Asian, plus the natives of the Western Hemisphere and the those of the Pacific Islands that know the home cultures from where their blood and people come. Many white or Latino Americans know enough of their own bloodlines in the United States to not be too curious for their ancestors of England or Sweden or Serbia or Spain. Some Irish-Americans, like Italian-Americans or Mexican-Americans are satisfied with the what they have of their family and kin since being in the Western Hemisphere, while others care deeply and go back to Madrid or Rome or Dublin or perhaps Guadalajara to get in touch with their roots.

When it comes to African-Americans (always generalizing, never wishing to use absolutes because we will always find exceptions) in this sense I perceive a two-sided problem, which is:

1. Too many African-Americans, compared to U.S. citizens of most other ethnic backgrounds, have no idea who their peoples and places were, which was due to forced captivity, devastatingly dehumanizing and records erasing, or family genealogy deleting (again, Haley was one who did wonders to help alleviate this problem, bringing much more history to light of Africa and its heritages) and, problematic access and awareness this deep into the 21st century of African-Americans' particular cultures that make their ancestors' unique persists.

and

2. The African continent itself and its diverse populations are not known well enough by Americans of all races, including whites and blacks, so that we are left bereft of that potentially life inspiring insight into who they and we are on this side of the Atlantic. For example, apart from the glaring fact that millions of Americans are ignorant that there are currently 54 politically autonomous nations in that great continent, many more of us are very unaware of the ethnic diversity within those countries. I had a friend from UCLA who was getting his doctorate in political science who hailed from Cote d' Ivoire, or Ivory Coast. He remarked that there were 61 ethnic groups in his nation alone. Would it make a difference to an American that his genes originated in a group or clan in one part of that country that has distinctive traits, physical and cultural, that he may identify with now?

I would argue that yes, a large number of African-Americans would benefit from knowing of the long distant cousins of their kin in the countries interspersed among West Africa and any other land where they share genetic history.

 We need to conquer the apathy of the need to know these things and connect the dots, connect our family histories, link our souls, and restore our shared humanity.

Three reminders or thoughts about this principle of knowledge of physical places of origin:

1. The outlier family historian (aka genealogist) who digs up and retrieves the data, recording the past and present, which perhaps really only stimulates herself initially, provides immeasurable richness and stimulation to their intellect and their internal well being to begin with, but then the life affirming knowledge spreads. These people do exist! I have known them in the flesh. Alex Haley would be doing this now, I believe, if he had not died in 1992. I have known people who do this in all parts of the United States, even though they are a small minority. However, despite their smaller numbers, their research and legacy leaves behind a trail for the rest of us, making this hard to get obscurity and arcane minutia, mere trivia to some at first, a rich treasure trove of human identity and self-awareness, wholeness, wellness. Bringing us back to our shared humanity and true selves.

2. There are many academic and other scholars and researchers who find out about the separate ethnic groups of places like Ivory Coast and Sierra Leone, Niger and Mali. We have the people, respources, know-how to make this happen. Now we simply need the impetus to do our connecting. Is it worth it? I believe so, otherwise we as a nation are perpetuating the argument of "white supremacy", that Black Lives do not Matter. If we cannot put our minds and financial efforts into such endeavors, are not neglecting the social and spiritual vestiges of tyrannical slavery and racism?  It is nigh time to to reverse the curses of cultural brutalization, co-optation, thievery, thuggery, near cultural annihilation-- all the things that the modern 21st century indictments of the U.S. police and the overall justice system is accused of against African-Americans now, the former slaves-- there are needs of reparations going backward and laterally to help repair the dire ills of the past and the present, which can be a healing balm to the future.

African-American lives matter now, in the past, and forever? Right? All of us count, true? Let us figure out who they are and who we are, and in the same vain save some beleaguered foreign friends and brothers and sisters as well, making bridges to Guinea, to Ghana, to Togo, where my mother served as a nurse.  To the hundreds of ethnic groups that exist now, and that were extant 400 years ago. Connections, links, bonds. Bonds of freedom transformed from the shackles of oppression. The last of us, human tribes, may one day be first.

I had the privilege and honor of being taught by Professor Calloway-Thomas at Indiana University. She knew the cultures and sub-cultures of West and Central Africa. She, among how many others in the world, many Caucasian, others black or of other backgrounds, like the African anthropological and geographical experts that I met at UCLA, discussing the Dinka of the Sudan among others (until he excused himself at his office door due to time), or the man legend named John at my former work place in northern Virginia who retired from the government as a subject-matter expert of dozens of tribes across the width of Africa, particularly the Sahara and Sahel, like the Tuareg and Tooboo and Kambari and Fulani, of distantly known Niger or Chad, places ignored and forgotten. Yet their lives matter, too, and they should be remembered rather than cast off and ignored, as not part of our modern society. Chadian lives matter. Nigerien lives matter. Hausa lives matter.

They should all matter to us as we as their distant cousins should matter to them. We look to serve and share with all people, of all colors, of all nationalities. But there ought to be special connections with all our former kindreds, tongues, and clans. To know, perhaps only in small part, like me with Swabia in Germany, or me perhaps partially Micmac, where our forefathers come from.

3. What efforts can be made to literally and physically connect to and exchange with the peoples of our roots? Many white American Caucasians are able to do exchanges with their cohorts in Spain, England, Germany, France, Scandinavia. East Asians nations are also a popular way to connect with the outside world, and Asian-Americans do this with their kin and cultures in Japan or Korea or Philippines or Vietnam . Are the nations of Africa and the people there too forlorn and risky to commune with? Is this a poor and impoverished people that will only drag is down, that will offer too little reward to visit and to know, to share with and grow with?

My parents lived in West Africa for over two years; and, despite the conditions of newly post independent colonies and endemic poverty, they found a richness and beauty in the people there, with different cultures, traditions, ways of living that were different but good to be exposed to. The Mende and the Temne of Sierra Leone, and the other smaller ethnic groups and societies of that nation all have their parts to impart to us. My parents knew people, even youth, who would speak 14 different languages. These people had gifts and wisdom and important offerings to share. My dad was fellowshipped and honored with the invitation to be initiated in the Poro society, an exclusive and special group to which they made him feel welcome. Would African-Americans like to know of these ancestral cousins and their customs? Like a Scottish-American being welcomed back to clan of the highlands, this renews our senses and familial camaraderie.

Also in the country of Sierra Leone my nephew spent two years in the same country areas of the Mende and Temne, on the "elbow" of West Africa, and drew from the culture many powerfully good associations and lessons. My brother-in-law lived in Cape Verde, drawing experience and knowledge from those island people of Africa. My wife lived in Spanish Morocco, enjoying the differences of the Arab world mixed with the sub-Saharan migrants. Other families of my wife's relations have done missionary excursions to South Africa, and I have know people living in almost all the others: Zambia, Cameroon, Ghana, Uganda, Kenya... Every single one and the cultures within had something very positive to offer us, the Western Hemispherians of the New World, the ones with first world wealth and modern technologies and medicine. Barack Obama learned from his father's native country of Kenya.

On and on are the lessons of and from the peoples of Africa. They, like Europe, and Asia, and our natives of the Americas have contributed to our shared humanity and deserve a time to connect and reconnect with us. The history, lessons, and humanity of them has been too long overlooked, underappreciated, and even maligned or mocked. Become the butt of jokes, which in a more real sense is racism and bigotry, ethnocentrism and "first world supremacy". These beliefs and practices are wrong.

We should make things right. We should restore the heritage, legacies, and cultures of all Americans, not just the privileged (of all races), or the predominant white society, of whose mother language we speak, of whom it is acknowledged forcefully in 2020 is the dominant paradigm or template in the United States. Structural and systemic white supremacy. This is not what America should be. Let's change it, let's do better.

We need African-Americans, African-Americans need us. We need our family histories to be known, shared, and celebrated. All of us, not just certain nations. All of our kin and ethnicities.

Until then, a large, important part of us is erased, is blurred, is unclear. Not just erased from the African-American communities, but from all of us, rich and poor, white or of color, urban, suburban, and rural.

Let us restore our histories. Continue on the path to enlightenment. Find your and my family histories. Live the dream of Doctor King and Alex Haley. Follow the long arch of history and let us let the first be the last and the last be the first, or as Malachi proclaimed at the end of the Old Testament, "let the hearts of the sons [and daughters] return to the fathers [and mothers], and the hearts of the fathers [and mothers] return to the sons [daughters].

Proclaim it. Claim it. Live it. Celebrate and rejoice in finding out who we really are, who we are all trying desperately and valiantly to become. One people, under God.