Resentment - Analysis and Thoughts

    I woke up last night, while on my couch, during a football game: I had some negative thoughts. About myself. I felt certain feelings that made me feel negatively about me, and it was not pleasant. The thoughts felt accurate enough; I guess the normal self-consoling feelings and thoughts were not very present, but rather a host of qualities and attributes about me that indicate my weaknesses and faults were plainly or grossly evident.

    

    Okay. We can look at ourselves and be critical. This happens, it is normal. But when we know that others share these feelings and sentiments, then it is more harmful, because the end results become a larger totality of negativity, which is disturbing or sad, or an overall poor picture of self-analysis.

    Where is the hope and the positivity? Precisely. It cannot be all that bad, can it? Perhaps it can be as bad as one thinks. One should find the good attributes and the hope.

    Right? Correct. One would hope to find the good and the hope with oneself.

    Yes. That exists. There is light and positive thinking.

    There is a balance of feelings, certainly a mixture.

    Is there fear and dread in the negativity? Sure. This self-analysis and critical auto-esteem or assessment can lead to these feelings.

    Resenting oneself? Yes, resenting things about oneself. It happens. Others can concur, realistically.

    We need things to boost one's self concept and esteem in the better directions.

    We find escapes and excuses, distractions and coping mechanisms, many times all but the proper things to combat the negative qualities or attributes that we suffer from. We can lack the wherewithal  correctly engage and adjust to the best ways of overcoming our shortcomings faults.

    Thus, there is self-resentment, when looking oneself.

    Am I going in circles now? Likely. A downward spiral, in a way. A negativity loop, if you will.

    Where is the hope, where is the fix? Not just in ourselves, but it can be. We have God and others to help and assist, support and sustain.

    We need to pray. Work. Change. Adapt. Overcome. Have patience and forbearance, and a will to come out right. 

    Stick with good practices and initiatives. Pray to God. Participate in good things and events, classes or courses. Work hard. Learn. Grow.

    Learn to live with or abide the resentment towards oneself.

    Cultivate the positive and the strengths, if slowly, then surely.

    Bring oneself up and out, from within the downward loop to a higher reality.

    Try and do not giver up.

    Love and be loved. Clean up the messes. Continue. Persist.

    Find God and oneself, at the far side of the upward track.

    Yes.

    Wake up from the slumber of self-doubt and negativity and move on.

    Move on. 

    Can we?

    We must.

    Thank you and God and others to allow this to happen.

    Thank you for your patience with me.

We Received Duty to God and Faith in God Awards

    I earned these as a Cub Scout and later as Boy Scout; later as an adult we receive other religious accolades and aplomb, at times. We recognize others in their service and devotions. We uphold and sustain others' in their callings and duties.

    In trying years we hearken back to God, and try to do His will more. Even in the years of prosperity we ought to do the same. Be gracious and thankful, and give to others and to God for all He does. We have to do our own parts as well.

    We deserve medals, of the type when were children. But we do not often get them.

    Maybe the boys were favored over the girls? It has been said to me recently. Priesthood and passing the sacrament, for one gender only. The priesthood is a male thing.

    Who makes these rules? The bride of Jesus is the Church, not a woman, as told in the scriptures.

    Who made these rules? The apostles that recounted of the Lord's ministry?

    Or was it the Master Jesus Himself?

    Who makes the rules? God above, or the appointed ones down below?

    Who chose them? How do we know?

    Write it down, says the missionary.

    

    I am writing.

 Christians of the Past and Present

    We try not to be hypocrites, which can be a tricky endeavor, we try to follow the strictures, commandments, and lessons of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Many denominations organize in His name, many of us attempt to follow the the ways of these groups in how they behave and operate. This can be great. We love when Christians assembled and united do great acts of service for Him in His name! Of course, we have some examples of hypocrisy, too.

    Collective action and operations are grand, very often. We also need individual acts to be done.

    We have to be sincere and honest, which can be trying. We have to be thoughtful and loving.

    But we have to try our best.

    Go, do. We have to live up to His promise and covenants.

Suicides Aren't Painless

    As a kid I was not exposed to many suicides. I heard about the kamikaze Japanese pilots hitting our ships and troops in World War II, or watched a few movies like the Poseidon Adventure where the hero sacrifices himself to escape from the overturned cruise ship. Suicides could be heroic, I was aware, but they were not the wretched tragedies that most turn out to be.

    A suicide touched my community last week, and it affected some  in my family directly. I discussed it a little with my sister who lives in the west over the phone; we mentioned a couple of friends that it happened to. She commented about a former tenant of my mother and step-father who had died of suicide. What? Pete? My mind and heart immediately became overwhelmed with my sense of loss and sadness, because I know the people in my life who have taken their own lives, but he was not one of them! My eyes almost instantly filled with tears as I thought, "Not him!" Later I asked my step-dad; he was not aware of any suicide death associated with Pete. I assigned my daughter, another one in the Western U.S., to figure out if Pete is still alive and what his status is.

    The Smiths of Bloomington, neighbors on First Street, seemed to be extra sensitive about the topic of suicide. They thought that the theme song of the popular situation comedy M.A.S.H was inappropriate, because it sang that "suicide is painless, it brings so many changes..." I am not sure what that line really means, or is trying to say, but the Smiths were virulently opposed. Sure.

    

    Me, too. I am opposed to suicide. The ones that have affected me in my life have been hard. Sad. Really difficult to understand. Even now, I review what was going on with some of my buddies and cohorts and I wonder: was it X? Was it Y? Well, many would argue that the questions are moot, that is no longer worth wondering about. I cannot help it. I care about them, I like to solve problems, I like to analyze matters and potentially avoid future issues like those. 

    Right? There are no solutions, easy or otherwise, to all of life's problems. Sometimes death is the answer, it is the denouement. Lamentably, tragically, fittingly. Ultimately. 

    Death is an eventuality. It finds us all. But do we choose it, that is this question. This polemic.

    Suicides take some of us, each time. We ask so many questions, but the answers are not all there.

    We celebrate the lives of the victims, we remember the good times. 

    We try to go about helping ourselves in the meantime. Steel ourselves for better and happier times.

    Be at a point, or points, where we survive the day, the month, the year, the life time.

 Thank You for Sharing

    I thank you, profusely and effusively.

    Is this a poem? Yes, maybe.

    I thank you for sharing, to some a trite and cliched phrase.

    Not to me.

    You shared with me your pains, your angst, your frustrations, your love.

    Your laughs and smiles. I do not forget them.

    You shared in good and bad.

    You shared your manias, which have reasons, 

    Or no reason at all.

    Which is fine. You are fine, you are wonderful.

    You shared the best and the worst.

    Your worst, that is, which is beautiful, understandable

    It is you, who you are.

    I love you, I admire you, with the imperfections.

    While I carry much more. So who am I to complain?

    

    Thank you for sharing. For caring. For loving.

    Times can be hard. I can be at fault.

    You have shared the times with me, the good and bad.

    I have enjoyed the sharing.

    The emergency room visits, the nights of pain or loneliness.

    Estrangement.

    Not the best things to share!

    But you did. I love you for it.

    I apologize for the less than stellar results.

    Who needs perfection? Not me.

    Maybe that is the problem. Not striving hard enough?

    You have to share, which can be problematic.

    If I do not share enough...

    Nevertheless, I thank you for sharing.

    I must share this: I love you.

    If that can be shared too much, then so be it.

    You have shared. Cared. Cried. Tried.

    I thank you.

We Are Everything, We are Nothing. And In between

    Oh, the places we go! To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, a book that gave me hope a generation ago. We go many places in places in life. Sometimes we feel stuck. Sure, we have all felt this. I can feel it, certainly.

    Started this a couple days ago. Sunday this morning, try to sew this up a little. Sew up a little?

    My wife talked about all the coasts and beaches of the world today. Sort of. We mentioned a few in southern and central California. Where did we go? There were some lake beaches not mentioned.

    We must be grateful to wake up and possess our bodies and minds, have free will. We have choices! We have freedoms, even though many of us are impaired by systems and governments.

    Our own choices can limit us, too. Pros and cons, roses and thorns, as my wife mentioned to my daughter.

    Credits and debits, in the financial world.

    We are not necessarily the sum of our parts. But we are more. And less than the dust of the earth.

    

    We are mixes in between.

 Building versus Eroding

    Perhaps we can compare our lives to things that we have in our bodies, which are not our minds or hearts, but we can be compared to teeth. Lately I have been thinking about how a tooth can be strong, clean, and functional for many years, for decades. Perhaps even the lifetime of the adult?

    Then, many of us are not so lucky with those teeth lasting so long. We have do take measures like implants or root canals. It is possible that the tooth, like my molar when I was 49, had to be removed and receive an artificial implant that should be good until I am buried somewhere, or perhaps cremated, or however I ultimately go. Not to be too morbid, but death happens.

    But before that last hurrah, there is a lot of living to do! Yes! An emphatic yes. YES! Okay, having established the enthusiasm for life over death, let us focus on building versus eroding. A tooth builds enamel, or has ways to stay healthy, which keeps it strong and whole. However, cavities and decay can enter the tooth or the mouth, which means that the tooth corrodes and becomes a useless or at worse, a painful obstacle within the mouth. It has to be removed as it goes bad.

    Are people like this? Some of us build and build our lives, while some whither, and spiral down. Some of us erode? Yikes, that is sad and scary! Some of us do not build up as we go, we do not "prosper" and build our character, our relationships, our families, our finances, but we can slide into less. And less.

    Yeah. We hope to build. And gain.

    May we do so. We need effort, care, and most of us need the grace of God to do so. And some help from others, at times.

    Go forth, and build. Do not shrink back.