Monday, September 1, 2025

Poetry About Resentment

 Poetry About Resentment

    What do you resent?

    Do you resent me?

    Do I resent myself?

    Yes, it happens.

    
    Do I resent my parents?

    What does that mean?

    What does resenting the parents entail?


    How many questions are there?

    Endless.

    And possibly no more.


    We love our parents.

    Resentment happens, but they did their best.


    We do our best, as children and parents ourselves.

    Who or what do you resent?

    We can eliminate a lot of it

    Be grateful

    Be patient


    Be long suffering

    Be steadfast


    Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, Jewish, Hindus

    The secular atheists too

    We all overcome the hangups

    Of impertinent

    Overbearing

    Antipathy

    and remorse.

    
    What other words

    To use?


    No more resenting

    Trying to love


    And accept.

Telling the Truth - Revealing Real Feelings

 Telling the Truth - Revealing Real Feelings

    We have troubles doing this, because we do not want to hurt each other.

    I know that there are things that we can say and do that will be too mean to say. Being honest is really hard, when we know that it will damage another person.

    What else to say?

    Nothing more.

    A lot of things more.

Sunday, August 31, 2025

Resentment - Analysis and Thoughts

 Resentment - Analysis and Thoughts

    I woke up last night, while on my couch, during a football game: I had some negative thoughts. About myself. I felt certain feelings that made me feel negatively about me, and it was not pleasant. The thoughts felt accurate enough; I guess the normal self-consoling feelings and thoughts were not very present, but rather a host of qualities and attributes about me that indicate my weaknesses and faults were plainly or grossly evident.
    
    Okay. We can look at ourselves and be critical. This happens, it is normal. But when we know that others share these feelings and sentiments, then it is more harmful, because the end results become a larger totality of negativity, which is disturbing or sad, or an overall poor picture of self-analysis.

    Where is the hope and the positivity? Precisely. It cannot be all that bad, can it? Perhaps it can be as bad as one thinks. One should find the good attributes and the hope.

    Right? Correct. One would hope to find the good and the hope with oneself.

    Yes. That exists. There is light and positive thinking.

    There is a balance of feelings, certainly a mixture.

    Is there fear and dread in the negativity? Sure. This self-analysis and critical auto-esteem or assessment can lead to these feelings.

    Resenting oneself? Yes, resenting things about oneself. It happens. Others can concur, realistically.

    We need things to boost one's self concept and esteem in the better directions.

    We find escapes and excuses, distractions and coping mechanisms, many times all but the proper things to combat the negative qualities or attributes that we suffer from. We can lack the wherewithal  correctly engage and adjust to the best ways of overcoming our shortcomings faults.

    Thus, there is self-resentment, when looking oneself.

    Am I going in circles now? Likely. A downward spiral, in a way. A negativity loop, if you will.

    Where is the hope, where is the fix? Not just in ourselves, but it can be. We have God and others to help and assist, support and sustain.

    We need to pray. Work. Change. Adapt. Overcome. Have patience and forbearance, and a will to come out right. 

    Stick with good practices and initiatives. Pray to God. Participate in good things and events, classes or courses. Work hard. Learn. Grow.

    Learn to live with or abide the resentment towards oneself.

    Cultivate the positive and the strengths, if slowly, then surely.

    Bring oneself up and out, from within the downward loop to a higher reality.

    Try and do not giver up.

    Love and be loved. Clean up the messes. Continue. Persist.

    Find God and oneself, at the far side of the upward track.

    Yes.

    Wake up from the slumber of self-doubt and negativity and move on.

    Move on. 

    Can we?

    We must.

    Thank you and God and others to allow this to happen.

    Thank you for your patience with me.

Wednesday, August 27, 2025

We Received Duty to God and Faith in God Awards

We Received Duty to God and Faith in God Awards

    I earned these as a Cub Scout and later as Boy Scout; later as an adult we receive other religious accolades and aplomb, at times. We recognize others in their service and devotions. We uphold and sustain others' in their callings and duties.

    In trying years we hearken back to God, and try to do His will more. Even in the years of prosperity we ought to do the same. Be gracious and thankful, and give to others and to God for all He does. We have to do our own parts as well.

    We deserve medals, of the type when were children. But we do not often get them.

    Maybe the boys were favored over the girls? It has been said to me recently. Priesthood and passing the sacrament, for one gender only. The priesthood is a male thing.

    Who makes these rules? The bride of Jesus is the Church, not a woman, as told in the scriptures.

    Who made these rules? The apostles that recounted of the Lord's ministry?

    Or was it the Master Jesus Himself?

    Who makes the rules? God above, or the appointed ones down below?

    Who chose them? How do we know?

    Write it down, says the missionary.

    
    I am writing.

Tuesday, August 26, 2025

Christians of the Past and Present

 Christians of the Past and Present

    We try not to be hypocrites, which can be a tricky endeavor, we try to follow the strictures, commandments, and lessons of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Many denominations organize in His name, many of us attempt to follow the the ways of these groups in how they behave and operate. This can be great. We love when Christians assembled and united do great acts of service for Him in His name! Of course, we have some examples of hypocrisy, too.

    Collective action and operations are grand, very often. We also need individual acts to be done.

    We have to be sincere and honest, which can be trying. We have to be thoughtful and loving.

    But we have to try our best.

    Go, do. We have to live up to His promise and covenants.

Monday, August 25, 2025

Suicides Aren't Painless

Suicides Aren't Painless

    As a kid I was not exposed to many suicides. I heard about the kamikaze Japanese pilots hitting our ships and troops in World War II, or watched a few movies like the Poseidon Adventure where the hero sacrifices himself to escape from the overturned cruise ship. Suicides could be heroic, I was aware, but they were not the wretched tragedies that most turn out to be.

    A suicide touched my community last week, and it affected some  in my family directly. I discussed it a little with my sister who lives in the west over the phone; we mentioned a couple of friends that it happened to. She commented about a former tenant of my mother and step-father who had died of suicide. What? Pete? My mind and heart immediately became overwhelmed with my sense of loss and sadness, because I know the people in my life who have taken their own lives, but he was not one of them! My eyes almost instantly filled with tears as I thought, "Not him!" Later I asked my step-dad; he was not aware of any suicide death associated with Pete. I assigned my daughter, another one in the Western U.S., to figure out if Pete is still alive and what his status is.

    The Smiths of Bloomington, neighbors on First Street, seemed to be extra sensitive about the topic of suicide. They thought that the theme song of the popular situation comedy M.A.S.H was inappropriate, because it sang that "suicide is painless, it brings so many changes..." I am not sure what that line really means, or is trying to say, but the Smiths were virulently opposed. Sure.
    
    Me, too. I am opposed to suicide. The ones that have affected me in my life have been hard. Sad. Really difficult to understand. Even now, I review what was going on with some of my buddies and cohorts and I wonder: was it X? Was it Y? Well, many would argue that the questions are moot, that is no longer worth wondering about. I cannot help it. I care about them, I like to solve problems, I like to analyze matters and potentially avoid future issues like those. 

    Right? There are no solutions, easy or otherwise, to all of life's problems. Sometimes death is the answer, it is the denouement. Lamentably, tragically, fittingly. Ultimately. 

    Death is an eventuality. It finds us all. But do we choose it, that is this question. This polemic.

    Suicides take some of us, each time. We ask so many questions, but the answers are not all there.

    We celebrate the lives of the victims, we remember the good times. 

    We try to go about helping ourselves in the meantime. Steel ourselves for better and happier times.

    Be at a point, or points, where we survive the day, the month, the year, the life time.

Thank You for Sharing

 Thank You for Sharing

    I thank you, profusely and effusively.

    Is this a poem? Yes, maybe.

    I thank you for sharing, to some a trite and cliched phrase.

    Not to me.

    You shared with me your pains, your angst, your frustrations, your love.

    Your laughs and smiles. I do not forget them.

    You shared in good and bad.

    You shared your manias, which have reasons, 

    Or no reason at all.

    Which is fine. You are fine, you are wonderful.

    You shared the best and the worst.

    Your worst, that is, which is beautiful, understandable

    It is you, who you are.

    I love you, I admire you, with the imperfections.

    While I carry much more. So who am I to complain?

    
    Thank you for sharing. For caring. For loving.

    Times can be hard. I can be at fault.

    You have shared the times with me, the good and bad.

    I have enjoyed the sharing.

    The emergency room visits, the nights of pain or loneliness.

    Estrangement.

    Not the best things to share!

    But you did. I love you for it.

    I apologize for the less than stellar results.

    Who needs perfection? Not me.

    Maybe that is the problem. Not striving hard enough?

    You have to share, which can be problematic.

    If I do not share enough...


    Nevertheless, I thank you for sharing.

    I must share this: I love you.

    If that can be shared too much, then so be it.

    You have shared. Cared. Cried. Tried.


    I thank you.

Sunday, August 24, 2025

We Are Everything, We are Nothing. And In between

We Are Everything, We are Nothing. And In between

    Oh, the places we go! To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, a book that gave me hope a generation ago. We go many places in places in life. Sometimes we feel stuck. Sure, we have all felt this. I can feel it, certainly.

    Started this a couple days ago. Sunday this morning, try to sew this up a little. Sew up a little?

    My wife talked about all the coasts and beaches of the world today. Sort of. We mentioned a few in southern and central California. Where did we go? There were some lake beaches not mentioned.

    We must be grateful to wake up and possess our bodies and minds, have free will. We have choices! We have freedoms, even though many of us are impaired by systems and governments.

    Our own choices can limit us, too. Pros and cons, roses and thorns, as my wife mentioned to my daughter.

    Credits and debits, in the financial world.

    We are not necessarily the sum of our parts. But we are more. And less than the dust of the earth.
    
    We are mixes in between.

Thursday, August 21, 2025

Building versus Eroding

 Building versus Eroding

    Perhaps we can compare our lives to things that we have in our bodies, which are not our minds or hearts, but we can be compared to teeth. Lately I have been thinking about how a tooth can be strong, clean, and functional for many years, for decades. Perhaps even the lifetime of the adult?
    Then, many of us are not so lucky with those teeth lasting so long. We have do take measures like implants or root canals. It is possible that the tooth, like my molar when I was 49, had to be removed and receive an artificial implant that should be good until I am buried somewhere, or perhaps cremated, or however I ultimately go. Not to be too morbid, but death happens.
    But before that last hurrah, there is a lot of living to do! Yes! An emphatic yes. YES! Okay, having established the enthusiasm for life over death, let us focus on building versus eroding. A tooth builds enamel, or has ways to stay healthy, which keeps it strong and whole. However, cavities and decay can enter the tooth or the mouth, which means that the tooth corrodes and becomes a useless or at worse, a painful obstacle within the mouth. It has to be removed as it goes bad.
    Are people like this? Some of us build and build our lives, while some whither, and spiral down. Some of us erode? Yikes, that is sad and scary! Some of us do not build up as we go, we do not "prosper" and build our character, our relationships, our families, our finances, but we can slide into less. And less.

    Yeah. We hope to build. And gain.

    May we do so. We need effort, care, and most of us need the grace of God to do so. And some help from others, at times.

    Go forth, and build. Do not shrink back.

Sunday, August 17, 2025

Three Little Indians

 Three Little Indians

    We pass through dreams
    In their ambiguities
    Their hazy edges and distorted filters
    Forgotten corners and mixed up plots

    Like this past night
    I awake in the morning
    With some mysteries solved
    In my unconscious waking brain

    My mind, capable of waking up
    From deeper or lighter sleep
    A night, almost restless
    But truly restful

    Which was it?
    Both or neither?
    The dreams meddle in our conscious thought streams

    In our beds and couches
    Where we lay our bodies and heads
    By whom we lie
    Who is it that we sleep beside?

    Who is that? 
    Who is she?
    Who is he? Who am I?

    What am I dreaming?
    What do I want?
    What therapy is this?
    Who am I working for?

    Why do I love?

    We do not call the native Americans or first nation peoples
    Indians
    That is reserved
    For the vast subcontinent

    Of other dreams
    Other climes
    Other thoughts
    And hopes

    Peaceful sleeping
    Dreaming
    And solving those issues

---As I tried to explain to myself and a couple others, I had some dreams that were intricate, seeming to resolve some issues in my life that perhaps go back generations. No more details, nothing specific, but waking up with some mysteries resolved. I was talking in real life about the mystery of my biological grandfather with my grandmother, who died at age 36. He, Fred Smith, went on to a long life and raised three healthy, good people, all girls.

    My dad learned more about it later in life, and connected with these half sisters.

    Could those be the Three Little Indians? Aunts that were not mine growing up. They have their own lives. I met one. It was pleasant. Eleven years ago. About five years ago visited the graves of the grandparents. Both sets not far apart.

    Wow. There was a court document that showed my grandmother, Francis, with Fred. Not sure about that. Not sure what people know.

    Most have passed on by now, their ages much advanced.

    The generational mysteries. The dreams bringing resolution.

Saturday, August 16, 2025

Sting Song Lyrics - What Could Have Been

 I am the monster you created

You ripped out all my parts
And worst of all, for me to live, I gotta kill the part of me that saw
That I needed you more

I hope you know we had everything
When you broke me and left these pieces
I want you to hurt like you hurt me today and
I want you to lose like I lose when I play
What could have been
Oh, what could have been

Why don't you love who I am?
What we could have been

I am your ghost, a fallen angel
You ripped out all my parts
I couldn't care what invention you made me
'Cause I, I was meant to be yours

Friday, August 15, 2025

El Problema de Escribir en Espanol sin puntos ortograficos

El Problema de Escribir en Espanol sin puntos ortograficos

    Bueno, hay que saber donde poner el enfasis en las palabras, porque si no los pones bien, se puede confudir cualas palabras en verdad estas diciendo.

    No se si me pongo a escribir mas en este buen idioma.

    No se.

Trains - Deep into August

Trains - Deep into August

    I was sitting here this morning, no one else awake in the house. My wife went to her first day of the school year. This has become her routine. We danced. It was sweet.

    Deeper into August.

    Sitting here, looking at bills, or some costs of estate tax and escrow payments, incoming money and outgoing cash flows, thinking about wealth, at present, into the future with retirement hopes and plans. I thought about a couple of old foster siblings, Joey and Sophia. Sophia passed away, maybe ten years ago. I can ping Joey; that is a blessing. I will message him and Jason now. The latter, from my middle school and high school years. And even more recently. Romanian connection.

    Indiana, all connected. Hoosiers, we are. 

    That brings me to trains. In my childhood I would hear the train pass through town. Not always. Maybe if it was windy, or if I was sufficiently distracted, or father east or out of town, we would not hear it. But it was something to hear in the summer time, when we awoke early for swimming lessons. My parents were off to their jobs. They had work. We had the summer mornings with the the olympic-sized pool, at the park across the street, before later vacations. Summer time.

    August would herald the end of summer, and here we are now. Here am I.
 
    I was typing, looking, responding to emails, preparing for the next job, thinking a little about the part-time job, where that could lead. Or not.

    The second full week of August. Or the third?

____________BREAK___________________

    Now, the 14th. Thursday.

    What, of these trains?

    They cross our paths in the recesses of our memories; they cross the ways and byways of our nation. For me, I remember hearing the whistle of the train across the park and past the streets heading towards the center of town, over toward the hospital and the downtown not far from there. All of it abutting the campus, the great intellectual engine of my home town. More or less a mile away. To the north. The train to the west.

    Home. There were the trains, the somewhat haunting sound of the horn or sirens blaring from a mile plus away, from that chugging steam or coal engine. To the west, where the sun would set over the city park. Bucolic, with the pool and lots and the fields and the stream, small creek, running down the middle.

    For years now I have not heard the trains pass where I live in suburbia. The suburbs of the greater metropolis. We live here, we grow here, we raise our children here. Like me, and my siblings and neighbors, back in the day in the 1970s. But we heard trains and their noises, and would be affected by the blockage of the train and the east west car and truck traffic, us getting across town as we needed, for jobs, chores, and appointments, or games or food or get togethers. East and west, home is best.

    The train tracks came right through it.

    Either deep into August, or throughout the rest of the year.

    I lived right by a train track in South America for a few months. The regular train cars and engines would shake our little railroad side house and force us to cease from speaking. The papito worked for the railroad company.

    In this world, we have trains, planes, and automobiles. And more. Ships, bikes. Our feet and carts. Space rockets and missiles. Drones.

    Do trains still play a large part? I say so, yes. Not to mention the city metro rails that we use to navigate our large metropolises. Trains are here to stay, like the noisy behemoths that plow through Harper's Ferry, West Virginia (a place that my wife can plan not to live by), a lot to do with the trains.

    We went there at the end of July. Not quite August.

    No whistles here. Only in distant places and my memory.

Saturday, August 9, 2025

Can We Eliminate Starvation in My Lifetime? Hmmm...

Can We Eliminate Starvation in My Lifetime? Hmmm...

    (Things can be bad with us, in the United States and elsewhere, in many different ways. Unemployment, other financial problems, relationship issues, anger, hatred, poor health...) Maybe thinking of worse things help us feel less wrecked by our own problems. Do we suffer from hunger in the United States? Sure, there is that. But not like other places.

    With many memories of the 1970s I remember kids making fun of Cambodians. Ha! They were dying and they were starving. They were so hungry that the chicken was the fastest animal in the country, as the joke went. Kids are cruel. Adults are crueler, at least those who perpetrated the terrible crimes of this Missouri-sized country, the former neighbor. China starved millions upon millions the decades before, if the government was not killing them off as political prisoners.

    In the 1980s Ethiopia became the flashpoint for hunger and starvation. I believe that the world came to the fore, including very famous rock artists from the United States and Great Britain, and to my personal satisfaction my church did a special fast, we being a few million worldwide able to forego a couple meals for the benefit of those suffering in East Africa. 

    Hunger has been a problem since then, in places of catastrophe, in places of war and privation, economic austerity and drought. Swaths across Africa, other parts of Asia, even dipping into the Western Hemisphere, especially troubled Haiti or at times a Central American country or Venezuela, or parts of economically deprived Brazil.

    In the last two years we have seen Gaza Strip, the poor Palestinians crammed and cramped, desperately fighting and dying for wheat or any scrap of food.

    It is too much, 2025. Too much.

    Can we get past this plight in the world, ever, once and for all?

    Please.

    We pray, we work, we sweat, we fight, we bleed, we argue, we cajole, we... too often do not care, because we are fat and happy. We are myopic, and we let our brothers and sisters wither and die.

    I guess that is what we need to eliminate: apathy and ignorance of the human condition.

Writing Out a Love Tale - Song

Writing Out a Love Tale

Writing out a love tale

After time

I got words and thoughts and feelings

that don't rhyme


I can't get away away from me, I can't help but come to you

I'm a kid in the 5 and Cent store; I need a dime


You were there late at night when I came home

Kids or no, you always took me in


You smiled with great open eyes

Food and shelter were the constant prize

Most of all was your gentle touch

You were mine!


Writing out a love tale

 Over time

 My words and thoughts and feelings

They are mine


But in every step and blessing

I see you with me now caressing

I can't stop where I started

Without you.


There were moments where we loved so passionately

A few times where we had to be broke free

You and I made the music

We played along and mused it


We could run and play 

And sleep till the next day.


Writing out a love tale

In this time


I wish to grant you everything sublime

You deserve the best to offer

 As a wife, a mom, a daughter

You're the choicest one I've known, all my life.


What more can be said of us?

There's you and me, the rest: all the fuss

I can't corner you deep in

You must permit me to win


Your heart, your hopes, some dreams

I plead, Dear Lord: you must!


Writing out a love song

After time

I can sing and court your favor

So many things that we can savor


I just hope and pray

That you'll be mine today.