Inferiority Complex and Feeling Like an Obliged Servant - Not a Slave
In my case, my life seemed pretty solid and confident, but some things started to chip away at the self-belief or confidence, you might say. Maybe the tenacity or persistenc
Losing a baby foster girl became a sort of unrelenting dread or hole in the soul, maybe, but it was not the worst. She did not die. She just left. Maybe it worked on me (and my family?) over time. Fair to say. Maybe age does those things more. Or perhaps other travails of life.
Parents breaking up made for some hard days, weeks, or months. I do not think it turned into years, but it had its effect. Things happen. For me it was the time of middle school, which might have been inopportune. But things worked out okay We kept moving on, and the parents found new partners and happiness. Word problems in math became trialsome and frustration. That worked on my self-belief or confidence, I am pretty sure. Cooking was awful with the amount of weight loss formula problems, earning me a C. A C in cooking. But not having to do with cooking. Weight Watchers calculations. Stupid. I was not naturally good nor interested in the computer class, either.
High school brought some troublesome ways of hurting my confidence. I did not stay in tip tip shape, or compete much in competitive sports. My math turned out to be poor, and that translated into some other sciences. Apathy plus the natural inclination to be befuddled and perplexed by solving math problems was hard on me, my grades, my ego. Teachers who did not explain things really got my goat. I was having a hard enough time caring, and then Mr. Girdley comes along. Oaf and buffoon. He dragged me down into his morass or stubborn jackassery. Sure. Resentful of him, but more importantly myself.
I let myself be distracred, not pushing hard enough, like Scott Hollenbeck. Lovely guy. Died too young, but heroically. He had confidence, and swag. Great human being. God wanted him back.
Guys like me, at times too apathetic and not naturally gifted to solves many problems, made it to another decade, and got lucky in marriage, but certainly not professions and academics and many other things.
Derived from my nature, perhaps not perspicacious enough, taking blows and maybe not resilient enough. Not caring enough. Sometimes laying too low.
Have to care more. Try harder. Not give up too soon. Make wiser choices. Do better.
But alas, a lot of us do not have the same ethics or personal character. Enough for enough, but not super like some.
That is me.
I am a servant and obliged, but not a slave. I am free, a free person. I have earned some freedom, but submitted myself to some duties and causes. Some make me feel bit trapped or cornered.
We want to do things because we love to do them. Bu that can be a tricky game.
Do we have the consitution or resolution? The resolve and grit? Maybe not.
Maybe so.
In the end, I am the hero dedicated to the right, and I will do the right thing. The right things.
But we are here in the in between times, and there are times where I am inferior, for many of the above reasons, and few not mentioned.
We have limits and capacities, hang ups and complexes. Not all are inferior.
Sometimes we can be infused with lusts, like for some kind of romantic dream or conquest, or even to end the threat of those that threaten us. To mete out some kind of justice or goal that we undertake, for the greater good, maybe society or your team, or your family or your ego.
All of those things can mix up. Pride and ego, and prejudice and passion.
Fickle caprices and deep-seated longings and apprehensions, or powerful dreams or hopes or aspirations.
Obejctives and plans.
To be free, and a noble servant to all.
